Alaska Mission Trip ~ Time Well Spent

Tomorrow we fly home.  It's been one month that we've been here in Big Lake, Alaska, serving the Lord at Camp Maranatha.  What a month it's been!  I don't know when I've ever worked so hard, and I have an extreme appreciation for what Becky & Terry Livengood do up here at this camp!  I know that the Lord is blessing them and their sweet family as they are ministering to the needs of the Alaskan people.  I admire them so much.

***

Victoria.  Oh. My. Gosh!  What a trooper she is!  She has worked sooooo hard up here, and she has served her Lord well.  NOT. ONE. COMPLAINT. EVER!!!  Unbelievable, her work ethic is.  If we had a 5 AM wake up time to get to the kitchen by 6, she was on it.  No complaints.  If we spent LONG days working in the kitchen, she did what was asked of her without ONE complaint!  What 17 year old does that???  My kid, that's who!  

***

Christy Conrad.  My new friend.  She and her husband Kevin live up here at the camp and help out Becky & Terry with the daily running of the camp.  What a kick it's been to meet them and to work alongside them.  They are adoptive parents of several children and have fostered many others.  Christy has a heart for the children without parents.  Recently, she had been fostering a baby named Joy while her mother was seeking treatment for some issues.  Joy had been in Christy & Kevin's lives since she was a day old.  Joy is now 7 months old, and just this past week, the paternal grandparents got their way in "The System" and were given the right to keep Joy until reunification with Joy's mother.  It was hard letting go of Joy on Friday.  Tough, tough time.... lots of prayer covering that baby.

***
What we've learned while serving at Camp Maranatha:

1.  Standing on your feet doing dishes for 2 1/2 hours straight is HARD work.  
2.  Doing dishes for 2 1/2 hours straight ruins your hands.
3.  Being on your feet for the better part of 14 hour days makes your ankles turn into kankles.
4.  When you develop kankles and your skin has really swollen up, the sub dermal layer of skin breaks apart, giving the appearance of a nasty rash.  :-/
5.  Alaska is beautiful.
6.  The Alaskan people are very down to earth.
7.  Mosquitoes love me.
8.  If you wear sandals because your feet and ankles are swollen, you WILL get mosquito bites on the bottom of your feet.
9.  I can live a month without blow drying or stying my hair.  
10.  Alaska is gorgeous.
11.  The view at Camp Maranatha never gets old.
12.  Being Dead Dog Tired is a good thing.
13.  60 degree weather in July is a GOOD thing.
14.  They don't really do much celebrating of the 4th of July up here, in the typical sense.  Sure, they have the food & decorations, but no fireworks.  The sun doesn't set.  
15.  Terry Livengood has willpower like none other.  
16.  Becky Livengood demonstrates Grace on a daily basis, like none other.
17.  I should learn how to show Grace, by Becky's example.  
18.  It doesn't really rain hard up here.... it's just constant.  Like all night long.  Drip, drip, drip.....  
19.  Nothing tastes as good as freshly caught salmon.
20.  Hard work really doesn't kill you.

Hourglass Lake

 Vic holding elk antlers.




Vic & I near a river leading to Hatcher's Pass.

 Time to serve DINNER!






FRESH SALMON!!!  There is NUTHIN' better!



BELOW:  Part of the teen camp was a symbolic yet heartfelt moment when they had written their sins, or what needs changing in their lives on a board, broke it, just like Christ did for them, and then tossed it in the fire.  Prayer followed for each camper.  Beautiful moment.

 Moose meat burrito!  YUMMO!





AHHHHHHH!!!

Becky & Terry Livengood.  My heroes.  


***
And that's my life so far...

I Ache.

I ache.  Really ache.  All over ache.  From the bottoms of my feet to my shoulders ache.  

I love being here in Alaska, but the work is definitely not for the faint of heart.  I admire Becky so much for the grace & endurance in which she works.  She is tireless.  I'm sure she gets tired, but she never, ever acts like it.  

These old joints just ache.  And this evening, while working in the kitchen at the clean up station, I did something to my right ankle on the outside.  Something snapped.  Not sure what's up with that, but it nearly buckled me to the floor.  My calves are so tight from all the walking, and finally, something gave way.  I hope it's better tomorrow after a full nights rest.  I hobbled  back to the Lodge after the dinner mess was cleaned up.  And I ache.

Victoria is doing very well up here.... she is loving working in the kitchen and is also tireless.  I'm so proud of her!  Her feet ache too, but after a short rest in our room, she's back out there with the teens.  Good for her!  Another night of Teen Challenges where they'll get all dirty.....They will clean off in the lake before getting back in our room at midnight to take a shower.  She is definitely having fun.

I ache.  Every joint from my hip bones to my toes ache.  I wonder when I'll get used to this?  Hopefully soon.....

Some random happenings & observances here at Camp Marantha:

1.  It's beautiful here.
2.  I brought Kansas City's hot weather with me.... it had to have been in the mid 80's here today.  
3.  Sunset tonight is 11:39 PM.
4.  It never really gets dark here.
5.  People are very friendly up here.
6.  No need for air conditioning here.
7.  A little boy caught a fish tonight and took a sharp knife & cutting board from the kitchen, with his parents, and gutted his fishy.  I had to clean it up.  Nasty.
8.  It's peaceful here.
9.  I took a nap today to the sound of children playing outside.  It was serene.
10.  Camp food is NOT for those who are trying to watch what they eat....  Not very healthy at all....  but it sure is tasty!

And I ache.

***

And that's my life so far....

Alaska, On a Mission

This RAD mom decided to bring her RAD kid on a month long mission trip up to the beautiful state of Alaska!  Since my RAD kid is headed down the pathway of becoming a missionary, I figured why not spend a month in Alaska, sorta getting her feet wet in the mission field and see how she likes it!  So, here we are!

We arrived on Monday, June 30th at 3:02 in the afternoon, Anchorage time.  The flights were long, but basically uneventful...  which is a good thing!  No delays, cancellations, or problems this time.... so yay for that!

We arrived at the campsite in the evening and spent the first night unpacking and settling in.  It's sooo good to see my good friend, Becky & her husband, Terry and of course their kids.  Becky used to be my Kaleidoscope Children's Choir accompanist a LONG time ago...  we've known each other for years.  She and Terry moved up here oh, about 10 years ago or so, to oversee the church campsite.  They've done a marvelous job, and have turned the camp around in no time.  Our job for the month is to help out in the kitchen, cooking for the masses.  

This week is "Family Camp."  Vic is making new friends and is having a ball!  They are having a teen night of activities tonight and she plans to be out very late.  I reminded her that that would be fine as long as she didn't give me any trouble about getting up at 6:15 in the morning...  :)  We have duties in the kitchen at 7:30.  

The work here is exhausting and yet gratifying at the same time.  I admire Becky so much for how hard she works when there is a camp going on.  She is tireless...  Ya start breakfast for 200 at 7:00 AM, feed them at 9, then clean it up and start preparing lunch.... feed them at noon or 1, then clean that up, have a bit of a break, then start in on the dinner preparations.  Everything we cook is in massive quantities... which is so fun for me!  I hope that the Lord allows me to be a caterer when I get to Heaven!  I love cooking for this many people!!!  

Case in point.... today I made a banana cake.... actually, about 10 of them!  We only baked 4 and froze the rest of the batter.  I mixed up 1 gallon (GALLON) of Crisco, 1 1/2 gallons of sugar, 3 gallons of flour, some vanilla & baking soda, 1/2 gallon of sour milk.... Do you know what that looks like???  Well, I definitely needed to work on my arm muscles to handle that one!  I thought my arm would fall off!  And then I topped the cake with a banana / cream cheese frosting....  it was so yummy.  People raved about it.  :)

Okay, here's the thing.... at camp, because of the cost of food, Becky makes a lot of food that is carb laden... and I have to be BETTER at not eating it...  Starting tomorrow.  I just don't like the way I feel when eating too many carbs.  So, note to self:  lay off the carbs tomorrow!  You'll feel better!

Victoria is having a ball, as I knew she would!  She's making new friends up here in Alaska....  She's doing a lot of the kitchen work with me and this afternoon, she was able to man the "Snack Shack" and had FUN doing it!  She is such a hard worker, and I'm so proud of her, especially for the work ethic that's in her.  

We have 2 more days of Family Camp this week.  I wonder what'll be in store for us?

Oh, I was able to talk to a lady pastor named Barb today.... she and her husband were called to adopt a little boy from South Korea about 7 years ago.  We talked at length about attachment disorders and we really connected!  God is so good!  I was able to share Victoria's story and again, God was glorified!  I love connecting with other adoptive parents.... there is an instant bonding that happens, which is a blessing from the Lord.

Okay...  jetlag is heavy with me....  Gonna go to bed, read a little and call it a night.  

***

And that's my life so far...

Life is Normal, Somewhat

So, what is normal, anyway?  For us, we are living in a new normal.  And it feels good!

When my RAD kid, aka Victoria Valerievna Jane, aka Vic, as I fondly refer to her, first came to live with us, it was a whole new experience of learning for our entire family.  We had the Honeymoon Phase... where everything was new and exciting for Victoria, while deep inside of her, she felt unworthy and still felt unwanted.  There was a complete lack of trust from her in us, that we wouldn't get mad at her and kick her out.  She tried our patience many, many times.  And every time, our trust was proven in that we continued to love her through it.  She ran within a week of moving in with us.... as she was simply overwhelmed.  Therapy began that day, and we also chose to pull her out of public school, finishing out the year with home-based education.  We made the decision to home school for the next 2 years of her high school career.

Things were smooth after that, and a period of peace ensued.  Until she once again, felt unworthy of our love and home and family.  God is so good!  He provided me the insight to check up on her via Facebook, therefore learning of some plans she was making to once again run.  You see, with RAD kids, they have no capacity for making rational decisions regarding their health and well-being.  She was unable to feel that her decisions or planning would not be in her own best interest.  She was incapable of feeling regret, initially.  God is good, though, and we intervened and once again, loved her through it.  Lots of talking, holding, hugging, cuddling.... all of those things that she never experienced from a loving mother & father.  The Honeymoon Phase was over.  Reality was setting in.

We had horse therapy, thanks to my sweet cousin, Leslie, opening up her home in Texas to us for a week.  I cannot express what that week did for Vic.  Blessings and memories....  and another new "normal."

God is so good....  He continued to piece Victoria back together through us...  Our new normal was full of ups, mostly ups with a few downs thrown in.  She was evolving into a wonderful young woman, with confidence beginning to show through.

What is a RAD kid?  What is RAD?

Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which infants and young children don't establish healthy bonds with parents or caregivers. 

A child with reactive attachment disorder is typically neglected, abused or orphaned. Reactive attachment disorder develops because the child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met and loving, caring attachments with others are never established. This may permanently change the child's growing brain, hurting the ability to establish future relationships. 

Reactive attachment disorder is a lifelong condition, but with treatment children can develop more stable and healthy relationships with caregivers and others. Safe and proven treatments for reactive attachment disorder include psychological counseling and parent or caregiver education.
Here is a list of some of the symptoms of RAD:

Common signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder

• An aversion to touch and physical affection. Children with reactive attachment disorder often flinch, laugh, or even say “Ouch” when touched. Rather than producing positive feelings, touch and affection are perceived as a threat.
• Control issues. Most children with reactive attachment disorder go to great lengths to remain in control and avoid feeling helpless. They are often disobedient, defiant, and argumentative.
• Anger problems. Anger may be expressed directly, in tantrums or acting out, or through manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior. Children with reactive attachment disorder may hide their anger in socially acceptable actions, like giving a high five that hurts or hugging someone too hard.
• Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection towards their parents.
• An underdeveloped conscience. Children with reactive attachment disorder may act like they don’t have a conscience and fail to show guilt, regret, or remorse after behaving badly.

Yeah, so, we adopted a child with RAD.  But God is so good, in that He has directed our path towards finding a way to help her to cope with life, to feel loved, cherished, and give her a true sense of belonging.  

And that's your RAD Education for the day!  Perhaps next blog will be an education about neurofeedback therapy.... Vic's life saver.

We are living in a new normal!

I Know, It's Been a YEAR!!!

Hello Cyberworld....

Yes, I realize it's been a whole year, well, almost a whole year since I've blogged.  A lot has been going on since I last blogged.

I've decided that "Choirlady" does not apply to my life right now.  Instead, I thought I'd change the blog title to "Diary of a RAD Mom."  Because that's what I am, a RAD mom.  RAD stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder.  My 3rd child has RAD.  So, I thought I'd use this blog to educate the cyberworld about how life is raising a RAD kid.

Our 3rd daughter, Victoria, is a person who has RAD, which is a sub disorder coming from PTSD.  (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)  She was diagnosed the 2nd time a year ago last March.  We have since discovered that she was originally diagnosed in 2010, while still under the care of her former parents.  We did not have this disclosed to us when we were going through the process of adoption.  It doesn't really matter, as we'd do anything we could to help her regardless of when she was diagnosed.

Some background....  our daughter was born in Russia.  She was removed from her birth mother when she was 14 months old.  Victoria has an older sister who was placed with her grandmother.  However, Victoria was placed in an orphanage.  By the time she was adopted by a family in America, she had lived in 2 different orphanages.  Vic was adopted by her first family when she was 4 years old.  This family kept her until she turned 12.  At that time, they'd given up on helping her and placed her in states custody.  They had tried for almost 3 years to have their parental rights removed.  Long story short, we discovered that they didn't want her anymore, and I did.  I've always had a love for Victoria and had always been concerned about her home life & the relationship, or lack of one, with her first adoptive mom.  But God is so good.... He placed in me the desire to love this child and provide her with a stable, loving home.  The courts moved quickly and Victoria officially became our child on September 25, 2012.  

We realized that there were issues, and we were willing to do whatever it took to make her feel loved & secure & WANTED.  To be rejected by not one, but TWO mothers was a blow that no one should ever experience.  So, with the help and guidance of the Lord and with the love & support of our family, we embarked on the journey of healing this broken child.

It was one year into our new life with Vic that we discovered that she has RAD.  We had known that she suffered from PTSD, but the RAD diagnosis was new to us.  We knew that this was above our ability to help her.  So, we sought out Internet and found out what RAD was.  Vic had all but one of the symptoms.  We FINALLY had an answer!  Since Vic is our daughter, and we are her parents, our task was to find out everything we could about RAD and how to take care of our daughter.

RAD is a disorder that stems from a lack of bonding with a primary caregiver (usually a mom) in the first several years of life.  Victoria went from her birth mom to the "babushkas" in the orphanages, to a new mom who spoke an entirely different language.  Every time Victoria trusted a mom figure, they always let her down.  It causes the brain to develop in a way that is traumatic, much like as if she'd experienced concussion after concussion.  Her brain did not develop "normally."  

With RAD kids, the best kind of early intervention is something called Attachment Parenting, using holding therapy a lot.  This never happened with Victoria.  She learned that people who were supposed to love and care for her could not be trusted to do that.  Therefore, she had to take care of herself.  And because she was so young, her coping skills were totally lacking, and she therefore acted out in many ways.

However, the good news is that now that she's MY daughter, my husband & I have loved her enough to get her the help to recover.  She attends weekly neurofeedback therapy sessions as well as talk therapy.  She has had to learn to trust.  She has had to learn to depend on others for her safety and well being.  She has had to learn how to deal with anger.  Rightfully so, she has gone through periods of extreme anger towards her former mother.  They rejected her.  They tossed her away.  Anyone experiencing this kind of rejection would feel this way.  But, God is good!  We have helped her learn how to deal with her feelings appropriately, with the help of a good therapist, psychiatrist & God Almighty.  

So, this is the background info, to help educate the world on Reactive Attachment Disorder and what it's like to live with a RAD kid.

Presently, Victoria has overcome so much.  She is happy.  She is loved.  She is thriving.  She is settled.  That is a big, HUGE deal.  The old life is left behind and she has much, much to look forward to.  I'm excited, as her mom, to see what the Lord will lead her to do.

No, it hasn't been easy.  But nothing worth having is ever easy.  But we're making it.  Thank the Good Lord.  

I'm baaaack..... Therapy Time again!

Well, I dunno.... I think it's time to start blogging again.  Sometimes it just helps to write things down.... get them off of the proverbial chest, so to speak.  Much has happened.... and I WILL start blogging again.... once I've changed my background stuff....

So.... stay tuned.  :)

Things are Lookin' UP!

So, things are lookin' up!  (Note to self:  Don't reread past blogs 'cuz they will make you cry.)

***

Vic is home!  She had a MAHHHHHHvelous time at camp, er Kamp.  She spent the week at Kamp Kanakuk, which is a Christian sports camp.  This is a camp that several of my choir kids had attended, but I didn't know much about it.  Well, this past spring, SEVERAL people at different times suggested that we find a way to send Vic to this Kamp.  It is very expensive, but the Lord provided and we sent her.  I have to admit that I was a bit nervous about it, but it was needless worry, as so many things in life are.  Needless worries.  She LOVED it.  She kept busy the entire time, whether it was canoeing, kayaking, rock wall climbing, tree top zipping, swimming, blobbing, flag football, whiffle ball, or just having quiet time in devotions with the Lord.  I LOVE that on the way home from Kamp, she said SEVERAL times how she feels like she's changed!  "Who are you and what have you done with my daughter???"  She feels like her relationship with the Lord has deepened and she DESIRES to spend time in THE WORD!  Wonderful, soothing words to this mother.  She had 2 college aged counselors who impacted her life in a dramatic way.  She wants to model their habit of waking up 30 minutes early to be in The Word, and to let that be what she does 30 minutes before going to bed at night.  Thank You, Jesus!  Sometimes, it does take more than a mother suggesting these things.  Vic made friends, she sought after kids who looked like they were sad just to cheer them up!  She never put herself or her needs first, and always looked after the needs of others!  I LOVE that!  Well, obviously, I could go on and on....  Just know that this week was very impacting on her life.  And I'm a grateful mother.

***

I spent the weekend looking over Home School curriculum.  I think we have it figured out.  We will choose a core curriculum that is literature based.  Vic loves to read and so do I!!!  It's Sonlight curriculum and we'll choose Core 200, which is history based on Christianity and how Christianity has affected history.  Included will be History, Literature, Grammar, Spelling, and Bible.  We'll add their science curriculum, which for the sophomore year will be biology.  I LOVE biology!  Truly, I do!  We will add in Spanish for her foreign language, especially so she'll be ready for Cabo.  We will add PE, time at the gym, and piano lessons for her fine arts credit.  Our plan is to get our day started at 7, have devotions, breakfast, straighten up around the house and start school at 9.  The first couple of hours will be instruction with me, and then she will have independent studies, which will be overseen by me.  She will have a level of accountability that is self-motivating.  She's excited and so am I.  God is good.

***

We are lookin' for a puppy.  Spent a lot of time last night on Craig's List and have made several inquiries.  Lots of cuteness out there.

***

Today is Mom~n~Meg Day.  Gonna go hang out with Megz and Kenzie... pool time awaits.

***

And that's my life so far.  And it's all good.

For There to be a Testimony, There Must Be a Test

Yup.  I suppose so.  I'm hoping to have a really great testimony after the summer I've had.  Blog Therapy Time is warranted.


***

Victoria & I took a trip to San Antonio in July.  It was fabulous!  It was our first Mom-n-Vic roadtrip.  We stopped over in Oklahoma City and stayed in a very nice hotel downtown.  We walked to their Brickyard area, like a river walk, and had a nice time.  We ate dinner at a nice restaurant...  had a great time!  This is the first time that Victoria has stayed in a "nice" hotel.  

The next morning, we got up early and headed to the Oklahoma City National Memorial to the bombing victims.  I wanted Victoria to see that people go through tough times and that through their faith in the Lord and perseverance, good can come out of it.  

 Looking out over the reflective pool and memorial chairs commemorating every person who died that day, and the chain link fence with tributes.

Then we headed to San Antonio, TX and stayed for a week with my cousin, Leslie and her horses.  This is a picture of Buckshot, the horse that Vic fell in love with.  She took care of him and got to ride him, too!  Buckshot is a rescued horse.

While visiting Leslie, my cousin Chuck's wife brought out a puppy who was rescued.  Victoria decided that she wanted to keep her and she named her Iris.  As long as I've known Victoria, she's always wanted an all-black puppy who had some lab in her.  This is Iris.  We all fell in love with her.

The trip was a good one.  It was good to get away from Kansas City.  It was good for Victoria go get out of town for a little bit and learn to have compassion and care for others.  We got to hang out with my cousins, their kids, and even one of my aunts!  It was a mini family reunion, and just what I needed.  Vic and Leslie developed a close relationship, which is good.  Vic would love to go back someday....


***
On our way home, we stopped by the hospice where my dad had been moved to.  I ended up staying the night and Don had driven down to bring Victoria & Iris home.  Sad time.... My dad's life would end just two short weeks later.  Dyan & I were able to drive down there and be with him when he passed away.  Sad times....  I will miss my dad.


***
So, here we are.  The beginning of August.  I'm in such a funk, and can't seem to shake it.  Perhaps it's part of the grieving process.  Victoria is at Kamp Kanakuk right now, which is a good thing.  When we brought Iris home, we had her first set of immunizations done.  Then two weeks later, she died.  She had developed viral encephilitis and could not recover.  She is wrapped up in a beautiful hand towel with pink crocheting on it, and placed into a designer Italian shoebox.  She was buried in our perennial garden.  So sad....  


***
Still coming to terms with leaving our former church.  It's hard wondering how people are reacting to our leaving.  It hurts not seeing people that I love every week.  I know we were supposed to leave and become active in a church closer to home where Victoria can be active in a youth group that doesn't know a thing about her past.  But leaving friends that I've had for 14 years is difficult.... and makes me sad.  Sometimes I wonder how many people really care.  And I'm dealing with not having the children's choir ministry anymore.  That is a tough thing.... and I've grieving at the loss of this.


***
I know we will survive the Summer of 2012.  And we will be stronger for it.  I just need to remember to keep my eyes on the Lord, my husband and my family, because together, we can make it through anything.  I am grateful to my friends who care and who are constantly lifting us up in prayer, and those who send me little notes of encouragement, whether it's in the mail or thru cyberspace.  God is good.  Always.


***

And that's my life so far....

I'm Tired...Do I Have the Strength for This??

Six months ago, we made the decision to adopt Victoria.  She had been in the Foster Care system in the State of Missouri for a couple of years.  She is someone I've known since she was 4 years old.  She's now 15.

At the age of 14 months, Vic was removed from her birth mother's home in the Novosibirsk region of Russia and placed in an orphanage.  By the time a family from America adopted her at the age of 4, she'd lived in 2 different orphanages.  

She was adopted by a family I attended church with.  One of our first clues that things wouldn't go right was the fact that when this sweet baby girl spoke Russian, she would get punished.  No Russian language was allowed.  I remember what a time of struggle it was for this family.  They felt compelled by God to adopt 2 children from Russia.  I know for a fact that these parents loved this child and the little boy that they adopted at the same time, from the same orphanage.  They had such dreams of helping these children live a better life than what they would have had in Russia, perhaps.  

Fast forward several years.  Vic's parents enrolled her in my choir ministry.  She and her brother participated in the KCC for several years.  Vic was a charming little girl, and I grew very close to her.  Things seemed to be going well, but there was an undercurrent in this family that was not good.  

I understand that there are many problems, i.e. difficulties in raising a child who has been taken from everything she's known and thrust into a whole new lifestyle and culture.  There will be behavioral problems associated with feelings of loss and abandonment.  This is a normal consequence of being taken away from what you've known.  The problem lies with the fact that the parents were unable to psychologically deal with these issues and chose a way to handle the behavioral problems in such a manner as to not help the situation.  Because of the inability to be a cohesive family unit, the parents decided that the best thing for these two kids was to have them removed from the home.  They felt that the children were a threat to not only them, but to their other two children.  

Vic was placed in a group home for troubled kids of the worst kind.  Most kids live there for 3 months while attending family therapy.  Vic was there for a year and 9 months.  Her adopted brother has not been seen and was placed in a facility out of state.  

While at this facility, Vic was exposed to horrible things, and subsequently, her behavior did not improve, but ideas and ideologies that are NOT of God were allowed to invade her soul.  Vic did not want to go home nor try to repair the relationship between her and her mother.  After living in this facility for a year, Vic found out at one of her court hearings that the adoptive parents consented to give up their parental rights.  NO ONE told Vic about this prior to the court appearance.  She heard it from the Judge.  Not a good thing.  

Fast forward two years.  Vic was placed into another facility in a different city, one which housed only teenage girls.  Still, people who worked with Vic said that she needed a HOME with loving parents, and that there was not any psychosis involved with her.  

Vic reached out to me.  I accepted the call to be her mother.  The Lord's hand has been evident in all aspects of having Vic become a member of our family. That is another long story.  Don & I are very happy to have her be a part of our family unit.

Because of the past life she lived at the first facility, and the experiences she had there, and her experiences in her life with the first adoptive family, Vic feels unworthy of being in a loving family.  This has been a struggle to try to teach her that she IS worthy and DOES deserve the good things in life.  She bears the brunt of the responsibility of what went wrong in her first family.  She wants to "be bad."  She wants to be on her own without anyone telling her what to do.  She said she wants to drink, smoke and have sex.  This is a 15 year old girl with the social maturity of a 12 year old, a young lady who was exposed to the gay & lesbian lifestyle, and exposed to a lot of violence aimed towards her at this first facility.  She had to learn to be a "badass".  She had to learn to fight.  She felt safe in lockup, which was a concrete cell block with no furnishings in it.  She wanted to hurt herself.  The hurts and pains run so very deep within this child, yet God sees through all of this and He wants her to be able to overcome this.  

And for some reason, he chose me and my husband to help her.  I don't know if I have the strength.  I know I do not.  When I am weak, HE is strong.  

The other day, for some reason, I was compelled to log onto her facebook account after she'd gone to bed and I was in for the shock of my life.  She had been in contact with 3 kids that she'd known from the first facility and had been planning her escape from our home.  She dropped the F-bomb frequently, as it was an appropriate adjective to use when talking about her parents or Christianity in general.  She plotted to run away once Don & I were gone on Saturday night, to have a night for ourselves and see our favorite band in concert.  She'd been planning this for weeks, and yet, she had all appearances of loving her life and being so compliant.  She'd been so happy, laughing, giggling, silly, crazy, and generally such a happy child.  Then I found out what she'd been planning.  We intervened.

That evening, Don & I confronted her and we had it out / talked until after 1 in the morning.  At the end of all of this, she felt relieved that we found out.  Consequences were a complete lack of trust in her again, removal of her facebook account, removal of her laptop, her cell phone, and our computers all have passwords on them now.  She realizes that we had to take those measures in order to insure that she would be safe.

Do I have the strength to carry on?  I do not know....

I feel so angry.  We have given up EVERYTHING for this child.  We've given up our church.  I've given up my children's choir ministry.  We've changed our lifestyle.  We've poured our love into this child.  Does she appreciate it?  She says she does 99.9% of the time, but that 1% where she was plotting her escape is enough to throw me into extreme doubt.  Lord, I don't know what to do.

Last night, I had myself some retail therapy.  Spent a couple hundred bucks at Old Navy on ME.  Bought 2 new pair of shoes at DSW.  Bought body soap & spray for ME.  Had some sorbet at our favorite place.  Talked on the phone to Mary, her first foster mom.  I didn't want to come home.  That scared me.  I stayed away until almost 9 PM.  I think that Vic realizes the mistake she's made.  I hope so.  "Lord, cover her mind with your Spirit."

Plans:  

1)  Call her therapist Monday and see if I can get in to see her.

2)  Read the book that Susan recommended.  It deals with such things.

3)  Get Vic into a therapy appointment, where for once, the whole truth will come out.

4)  Plan our trip to Texas to visit my cousin at her ranch.  We may stay there forever.... JUST KIDDING!

5)  Finish getting Vic ready for Kamp Kanakuk.  Order her trunk.  Inform the staff of what's happened.  Have them be prepared for anything.

6)  Love her.

7)  Read The Word daily.

8)  Help Vic get a job.

9)  Get ready to home school.

10)  Get her involved in sports groups.

Lord, lead me and guide me and my husband as we venture forth on this journey.  Lead us.  Guide us.  Help us.  Help us to be the parents who can help Vic overcome her past, deal with it, and move on.  Help her to trust us with ALL of her feelings.  Lord, give us the strength to endure.  Amen.

This blog is therapy.  Cheap, yet good therapy.

***

And that's my life so far....

Untitled Post (cuz I can't think of a title..)

It's Tuesday - KenzieDay.  Busy.  Wonderin' when she will be potty trained?  She's right on the edge.  I'm hoping that her cuzzin', Lily will help her in this regard.

***
My garden.... is GROWING like CRAZY!!!  We're already harvesting cucumbers daily.  I have little green tomatoes all over the place, weighing my tomato plants down, and the herb box is full to overflowing.  So nice.... My garden is my place of refuge, my solitude, my joy.  I love watching my grandkids playing in it.  They love my garden, too!

 Well, obviously, these are pics from my SPRING garden....  Note to self:  upload pics from my current garden....

***

Life after choir.....  Still is sinking in.  In a sense, I feel a freedom of not having to ALWAYS think about KCC or make goals for the upcoming choir year.  This is nice... haven't felt this way in 14 years.  Nice break.  I'm wondering right now if I will ever get back to directing children's choirs.... not sure at this point.

***
We started attending a new church 2 weeks ago.  Abundant Life Baptist Church.  We felt the need to attend a church very close to our home, one where Victoria can be more involved with the youth group, thereby making friends who actually live in Lee's Summit.  It is a process, though... one of grieving for our former church.  We have some wonderful friends there, who I will miss seeing on a weekly basis.  At this point, we need to be more intentional about getting together with our friends.  I know that the Lord has directed our paths here, and will continue to walk beside us through this process.  

This new church, ALBC is HUGE!  Their attendance last week was nearly 3,000.  Sorta overwhelming.  Last Sunday, we all tried a Sunday School or "Community Group" class.... Vic went to the high school class and Don & I attended an adult class for 30 - 50 year olds.  We liked it okay, but this week will try a new class.  I prefer to not be in a class where the format is all lecture.  I'd rather have open discussion.  Vic liked her class, though, and seems to be making friends.  The really good thing is that NO ONE knows anything about her past.  I'm liking that for her!

The pastor at ALBC is truly gifted in preaching The Word.  I love his style, his way of bringing The Word to life.... in such a meaningful way!  I love that they have sermon outlines with blanks, and we get to fill them in and keep them as a great reference point.  He does talk long, though.... but every bit of it is completely captivating.  He's a humble man.  He used to be a police officer, and guess what?  He has TATTOOS!!!  O.O  I know... radical.  He doesn't show them, but I've heard he has them from his old cop days....  I love this.  I am truly looking forwarding to knowing the Lord better through Phil Hopper's teaching.  

I'm not sure if we'll EVER get used to the music.  I much prefer to have an orchestra, organ, a combination of hymns and praise songs.  I just think that a worship service with those elements involved is way more well-rounded.  I'm just not into the contemporary rock band feel of worship.  I will be patient and give it more time.  

I miss Roger.  I miss Jolene.

***
Talked with my English Handbell Choir Director today.... I'm still able to be in the handbell choir AND in the Chorale.... both of which are ministries at the church we just stopped attending.  I'm very glad about this.... as I NEED to have quality music ministry groups in my life.

***
Primitive Chic Boutique - a dream of mine that I'm working on.  Still in the 'make-the-patterns' stage so we can get the wood cut out.  Hopefully we'll be cutting wood this weekend.  :)  Vic will help me paint.  She's looking forward to that!

***
Homeschooling High School ~ starting to make plans.  Met with a group of home educators from the group here in Lee's Summit last Friday.  Wonderful group of women.  I already know one mom and her daughter.  Cassie used to be in the children's choir I directed.  Love this.  We're gonna start a Teen Girls group and put a page on FB so that these girls can communicate easily regarding hanging out this summer.

***
And that's my life so far..... better get busy!

 

Happy Father's Day and Day 1 at ALBC

So, today is Father's Day.  A day where we celebrate the contributions that our fathers make in our lives.  This was Victoria's 1st Father's Day with Don, her new dad.  It's been a great day!


We went to breakfast at Neighbor's Cafe.  We met up with Dyan & Jory, Christian & Lily and also Scott.  Fun times!  What a great way to start our Sunday morning....  


Today was also our first day officially at ALBC.  It was a GREAT service!  It was so nice sitting with the family and worshiping together.  After the service, Scott showed us around the Core building, which is where the youth group meets.  It was so cool!


***
We spent the afternoon / evening at Mom's house.  I made 3 pies, 2 sour cherry pies & one blueberry / banana cream pie.  Don, Dan & Drew's Father's Day gifts.  YUMMO.  


***
I'm tired.  Tomorrow morning starts a week of VBS at KCFC.  I'm in charge of crafts, which I'm excited about!  Fun times await...


***
And that's my life so far....

Father's Day Preparations

Okay, so tomorrow is Father's Day.  Lots of stuff to do today to get ready to celebrate Don being a great daddy to our kids.  All 3 of them.  


To Do List:
1)  make myself presentable for going shopping on the Plaza.
2)  make shopping list for the 3 pies I'm gonna make later today.
3)  try to NOT dwell on the fact that I will not be eating 3 said pies.
4)  drive to the Plaza.
5)  shop at Tommy Bahamas.  
6)  stop at Hallmark store on the way back into LS.
7)  HyVee - our local grocery store
8)  make 3 pies.  2 sour cherry pies, one for Don and one for his brother, Dan, and 1 blueberry banana cream pie for Drew.  Should make an apple pie for Jory, too.  
9)  Scratch 3 pies, make it 4.
10)  If time, go to LCF concert tonight.


Lots to do, and what am I doing?  Sitting here blogging.  I've decided I've missed blogging.  Gonna blog more often.  Great therapy.  Reading on my past blogs has made me LAUGH OUT LOUD, especially when I had my gall bladder surgery a year ago.  LOLOL.


***
I will call my dad tomorrow to wish him a happy Father's Day.  We were supposed to drive down to visit him today, but because Don ran into a bird while on the motorcycle a few days ago, his eye hasn't quite healed.  So, we will make the drive down to Arkansas next Saturday.  And this gives Vika time to make her new Grandpa a blanket to keep him warm.  Nice.  I only hope we can find fleece fabric that has golf stuff on it.... or ECU colors, or Razorback stuff on it.  He'll love that.


***
Each day is getting easier for me dealing with no longer having a choir.  At least for now.


***
I love Saturday mornings.  DIY on the telly, and hot tea by my side.  Lazy Saturdays, I love!


***
And that's my life so far...

Post KCC ~ Day 2

Day 2.  I've survived.  Today, I'm finally feeling back to "normal."  I no longer feel like I'm in the midst of a heart attack.  No heartburn.  No palpitations or pain between my shoulder blades.  I've only cried a couple of times today.  Grieving. 


I went to the church for a VBS meeting.  Yes, I'm still teaching the crafts for elementary aged kids next week.  We had to get set up.  I'll be teaching it all next week along with Vic.  Had to do alot of shopping for supplies.  Kept myself busy.


Today, I loaded up all of my stuff from the KCC.  Loaded up my purple music stand.  Loaded up my blue "director's" chair.  Loaded up my toys.  Loaded up my rhythm instruments.  Loaded up my photo albums / scrapbooks.  I suppose I'll see if the church wants to buy copies of them.  I can do that.  I'm proud of myself because I didn't cry when loading out my stuff.  


Afterwards, we treated ourselves to some sorbet & yogurt at Yogurtini.  MMMmmm.  Then I had some retail therapy at Hobby Lobby.  Nice.


I've been getting some really nice notes from choir parents, along with hugs from some kids.  I'm very touched.  I'm truly going to miss that ministry.


Lord, what do you have in mind for me to do next?  Do you have another choir for me to direct?  Should I contact the current children's choir director at ALBC?  Should I start a community children's choir in LS?  I am waiting on You, Lord.... on Your direction as I seek Your will.  Amen.


***
And that's my life so far....

It's over..... for now.

Well, after 14 years, my time as the director of the Kaleidoscope Children's Choir has come to an end.


::Sad::


I'm no longer the Choirlady at KCFC.  I'm nobody at KCFC anymore.  


::Sad::


My husband & I have decided to leave KCFC after attending there for 14 years.  How does one 'divorce' a church body?  It ain't easy.  It's been a long time coming.  Lots of prayer for direction has occurred.  


For the longest time, we've been watching the direction that our church has taken.  We are not happy with where it's  headed.  There's something that is infecting the Nazarene churches in particular, and also other denominations.  It's called The Emergent Church.  Google it.  It terrifies me that so many "Christians" can be so deceived.  I want no part of it.  The Bible IS the infallible Word of God, God breathed, in EVERY single part of it.  Not just the parts pertaining to salvation.  The ENTIRE Word of God comes straight from His mouth.  Period.  Some in our denomination are questioning this.  No way. Some believe that we need to be a church that tolerates blatant sin.  Some believe that evolution is a FACT.  No way!  Some believe, teach & preach this new theology.  I'm a black & white kinda girl.  I believe in the FACTS as represented by His Word, every one of them.  





My family has decided to start attending a church where the Spirit is healthy and alive.  It's a church about 5 minutes from our home.  There are hundreds of children who participate in activities there.  This church is ALIVE.  There are so many young families, middle aged families, and senior citizens.  It's a great mix of people, all on fire for the Lord.  In the 10 years or so that this church has been in existance, it's grown from several 100 people to several thousand.  They're bustin' out at the seams.  A new building is being built.  


Sure, there are things I may not appreciate at this new church.  The music is completely contemporary.  Not much in the way of hymns.  There is a choir, but it's not really a choral choir.  There is a children's choir, but it's probably very contemporary.  Will they have need of a choral sounding children's choir? I don't know.  


I do know that the Lord wants us to become ALIVE in Him.... and to worship in a church where "Jesus is Lord and People are Loved."  That is their motto.  I kinda like it.  I want to be loved.


I did let our music minister & children's pastor both know that we would be attending another church, but if they'd like, I would remain the director of the KCC.  But if they felt strongly against this idea, that they would need to find another director.  The senior pastor stepped in and made that decision for them.  Even though it wasn't that much of a shock, it still hurts.  I hurt.


They say that when God slams shut one door, that He will open a window.  Well, I'm counting on Him opening up a glorious set of white French doors!

Hey, what happened???

Okay, so like, I've been gone from blogging for a few months.... and all of a sudden, my previous design has been totally wiped out.... ugh.  Someday, I'll go find a new blog design, one that reflects who I am.

For "anonymous", I'm still here.... just been on a life adventure.  To date, I've lost 38 pounds on this diet program...  Been busy with the children's choir I direct, and with life in general.

I'll update, "journal", more when I feel like I need some therapy... LOL

Until then, Merry Christmas!~

I'm here...

I'm here...  But it's been so long, and for some reason, blogspot is acting up on me....  :-/

Day Whatever....

I've lost track of what day this is on my Medi-diet.  It's Monday, tho....  and today has been really tough.  Lots of tears today.  I feel like I'm being punished for "lettin' myself go."  I'm hungry.  My digestive system is not too happy right now.  TMI?  Sorry.  My energy levels are lagging today.  My emotions are pretty raw today.

What have I eaten today?

Breakfast = 2 eggs.  20 oz of vitamin water.  2 cups of coffee with a little bit of fat free creamer in it.

Lunch = 4 oz turkey breast, 2 sticks of cheese.

Dinner = 4 oz of pork tenderloin.  Water.

About 510 calories today. 

Tomorrow I go to the doctor for vitamin shots & to weigh in.  I think the vitamin shots will really help me.  I missed the time on Friday, since they close shop at 2.  So, perhaps that's why I'm lagging a bit today.... 

I went to the grocery store today.  That was difficult.  But I did it.  Stuck to my guns.  Bought 3 bananas for Kenzie, 1 lb of turkey breast from the deli counter, string cheese & another kind of cheese, all low fat and in individual servings of 1 oz each.  I bought a quart of milk for Kenzie.  I bought a bunch of zero powerade, grape & orange flavored.  They don't have any carbs in them.  And I bought a garlic / lemon marinated pork tenderloin.  That was delicious for dinner. 

Part of my emotional problems have to do with our company having problems again getting customers to pay.  We're behind on getting paychecks, which means I'm about a week behind on some bills.  I know it's not critical yet, but I'm NEVER late on my bills and this is distressing to me.  I spent the afternoon unburying my desk, going thru mail, entering bills on quickbooks, and shredding a bunch of junk mail offers.  Normally I'd be having a glass of wine or a beer while doing that task, but not today!  I only had my water / powerade zero.  ::deep sigh::

Okay... get a grip, Deb.  Time to focus on what the results will be of eating this way.  I NEED to get back to my skinny self.  I have to!

Okay, I'm just gonna ignore my growling tummy.  Perhaps I'll treat myself to a diet root beer in a bit!

***
and that's my life so far...

Day Five

Okay.  Day 5.  I cannot tell you how much better I'm feelin' already. It's like, "Oh yeah.... this is what it's like to NOT be so tired ALL the time!"  Nice. 

I am gettin' a bit of a headache, tho.... Need to drink some water.  BRB.

Okay, got my vitamin water zero, orange flavored and am all set.

Church Day.  So, this morning, I had my coffee with a scant amount of creamer in it.  I had a chocolate protein shake on the way to church, and I took all my vitamins.  I was not hungry at all during church.  I even gave out snacks to my little Toddler Class, and didn't even consider eating a goldfishy...  How about that???  I came home, had 4 oz of deli sliced ham and 1 hard boiled egg.  YUMMO.  And a Diet Dr. Pepper.  So, I haven't had enough water yet today.  But I'm workin' on it.

Gotta go back to church tonight to be part of the service celebrating the past year in our church.  I need to speak about the Kaleidoscope Children's Choir & our recent Work & Witness trip to Alaska.  It will be a LONG service, about an hour and a half.  So, I'm not sure if I'll eat before or wait til after.  I get pretty hungry in the evenings.  I'm just not used to NOT having anything sweet to eat in the evenings, like ice cream or cookies.  So, my tummy grumbles. 

I'm pretty proud of myself.  I already can see that my "preggo" tummy has slimmed down.  According to my scale at home, I'm down 9 lbs since Wednesday.  I know most of it is water weight... but still, 9 lbs is 9 lbs.  So Woo Hoo to me!

***
And that's my life so far...

Day Three

Hey!  Okay!  Better!!!  Down 2 1/2 more lbs, according to my scale at home.  I know, I know, it's all water weight, but I tell ya what... I put on a pair of pants today that I wouldn't wear while in Alaska a month ago, and they fit!  So Woo to the Hoo Hooooo.  I won't be surprised if I have a 10 lb WL this week.  I go on Tuesday for my WI, officially. 

Sleep.  It evaded me last night.  Wide awake from 2 AM to about 4:30ish.  So sorry, Don.  Had the TV on that whole time, trying to get it to lull me back to sleep.  I think it's the appetite suppressant that's doing it.  We'll see.  I took 2 yesterday, but the 2nd one was at 3 PM.  Today, I took my 2nd one at 1:30.  So, I'll see if that helps.

BUT.... I feel MUCH better today!  More energetic!  And I'm in ketosis.  I checked my strip at 4 AM.  Yup.  It changed.  It's a good thing.

Still having a troublesome side effect.  Just ate 2 oz of chicken and am drinking a diet dr. pepper.  Gonna wait a bit to make sure I'm okay before heading to the clinic for my vitamin shots. 

But..... WOO TO THE HOO HOOOOOOOOO~

***
And that's my life so far.