So, what is normal, anyway? For us, we are living in a new normal. And it feels good!
When my RAD kid, aka Victoria Valerievna Jane, aka Vic, as I fondly refer to her, first came to live with us, it was a whole new experience of learning for our entire family. We had the Honeymoon Phase... where everything was new and exciting for Victoria, while deep inside of her, she felt unworthy and still felt unwanted. There was a complete lack of trust from her in us, that we wouldn't get mad at her and kick her out. She tried our patience many, many times. And every time, our trust was proven in that we continued to love her through it. She ran within a week of moving in with us.... as she was simply overwhelmed. Therapy began that day, and we also chose to pull her out of public school, finishing out the year with home-based education. We made the decision to home school for the next 2 years of her high school career.
Things were smooth after that, and a period of peace ensued. Until she once again, felt unworthy of our love and home and family. God is so good! He provided me the insight to check up on her via Facebook, therefore learning of some plans she was making to once again run. You see, with RAD kids, they have no capacity for making rational decisions regarding their health and well-being. She was unable to feel that her decisions or planning would not be in her own best interest. She was incapable of feeling regret, initially. God is good, though, and we intervened and once again, loved her through it. Lots of talking, holding, hugging, cuddling.... all of those things that she never experienced from a loving mother & father. The Honeymoon Phase was over. Reality was setting in.
We had horse therapy, thanks to my sweet cousin, Leslie, opening up her home in Texas to us for a week. I cannot express what that week did for Vic. Blessings and memories.... and another new "normal."
God is so good.... He continued to piece Victoria back together through us... Our new normal was full of ups, mostly ups with a few downs thrown in. She was evolving into a wonderful young woman, with confidence beginning to show through.
What is a RAD kid? What is RAD?
Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which
infants and young children don't establish healthy bonds with parents
or caregivers.
A child with reactive attachment disorder is typically neglected,
abused or orphaned. Reactive attachment disorder develops because the
child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met and
loving, caring attachments with others are never established. This may
permanently change the child's growing brain, hurting the ability to
establish future relationships.
Reactive attachment disorder is a lifelong condition, but with
treatment children can develop more stable and healthy relationships
with caregivers and others. Safe and proven treatments for reactive
attachment disorder include psychological counseling and parent or
caregiver education.
Here is a list of some of the symptoms of RAD:
Common signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder
- An aversion to touch and physical affection.
Children with reactive attachment disorder often flinch, laugh, or
even say “Ouch” when touched. Rather than producing positive feelings,
touch and affection are perceived as a threat.
- Control issues. Most children with
reactive attachment disorder go to great lengths to remain in control
and avoid feeling helpless. They are often disobedient, defiant, and
argumentative.
- Anger problems. Anger may be
expressed directly, in tantrums or acting out, or through manipulative,
passive-aggressive behavior. Children with reactive attachment
disorder may hide their anger in socially acceptable actions, like
giving a high five that hurts or hugging someone too hard.
- Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For
example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act
inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or
no affection towards their parents.
- An underdeveloped conscience. Children with reactive attachment disorder may act like they don’t have a conscience and fail to show guilt, regret, or remorse after behaving badly.
Yeah, so, we adopted a child with RAD. But God is so good, in that He has directed our path towards finding a way to help her to cope with life, to feel loved, cherished, and give her a true sense of belonging.
And that's your RAD Education for the day! Perhaps next blog will be an education about neurofeedback therapy.... Vic's life saver.
We are living in a new normal!
Hello Cyberworld....
Yes, I realize it's been a whole year, well, almost a whole year since I've blogged. A lot has been going on since I last blogged.
I've decided that "Choirlady" does not apply to my life right now. Instead, I thought I'd change the blog title to "Diary of a RAD Mom." Because that's what I am, a RAD mom. RAD stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder. My 3rd child has RAD. So, I thought I'd use this blog to educate the cyberworld about how life is raising a RAD kid.
Our 3rd daughter, Victoria, is a person who has RAD, which is a sub disorder coming from PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) She was diagnosed the 2nd time a year ago last March. We have since discovered that she was originally diagnosed in 2010, while still under the care of her former parents. We did not have this disclosed to us when we were going through the process of adoption. It doesn't really matter, as we'd do anything we could to help her regardless of when she was diagnosed.
Some background.... our daughter was born in Russia. She was removed from her birth mother when she was 14 months old. Victoria has an older sister who was placed with her grandmother. However, Victoria was placed in an orphanage. By the time she was adopted by a family in America, she had lived in 2 different orphanages. Vic was adopted by her first family when she was 4 years old. This family kept her until she turned 12. At that time, they'd given up on helping her and placed her in states custody. They had tried for almost 3 years to have their parental rights removed. Long story short, we discovered that they didn't want her anymore, and I did. I've always had a love for Victoria and had always been concerned about her home life & the relationship, or lack of one, with her first adoptive mom. But God is so good.... He placed in me the desire to love this child and provide her with a stable, loving home. The courts moved quickly and Victoria officially became our child on September 25, 2012.
We realized that there were issues, and we were willing to do whatever it took to make her feel loved & secure & WANTED. To be rejected by not one, but TWO mothers was a blow that no one should ever experience. So, with the help and guidance of the Lord and with the love & support of our family, we embarked on the journey of healing this broken child.
It was one year into our new life with Vic that we discovered that she has RAD. We had known that she suffered from PTSD, but the RAD diagnosis was new to us. We knew that this was above our ability to help her. So, we sought out Internet and found out what RAD was. Vic had all but one of the symptoms. We FINALLY had an answer! Since Vic is our daughter, and we are her parents, our task was to find out everything we could about RAD and how to take care of our daughter.
RAD is a disorder that stems from a lack of bonding with a primary caregiver (usually a mom) in the first several years of life. Victoria went from her birth mom to the "babushkas" in the orphanages, to a new mom who spoke an entirely different language. Every time Victoria trusted a mom figure, they always let her down. It causes the brain to develop in a way that is traumatic, much like as if she'd experienced concussion after concussion. Her brain did not develop "normally."
With RAD kids, the best kind of early intervention is something called Attachment Parenting, using holding therapy a lot. This never happened with Victoria. She learned that people who were supposed to love and care for her could not be trusted to do that. Therefore, she had to take care of herself. And because she was so young, her coping skills were totally lacking, and she therefore acted out in many ways.
However, the good news is that now that she's MY daughter, my husband & I have loved her enough to get her the help to recover. She attends weekly neurofeedback therapy sessions as well as talk therapy. She has had to learn to trust. She has had to learn to depend on others for her safety and well being. She has had to learn how to deal with anger. Rightfully so, she has gone through periods of extreme anger towards her former mother. They rejected her. They tossed her away. Anyone experiencing this kind of rejection would feel this way. But, God is good! We have helped her learn how to deal with her feelings appropriately, with the help of a good therapist, psychiatrist & God Almighty.
So, this is the background info, to help educate the world on Reactive Attachment Disorder and what it's like to live with a RAD kid.
Presently, Victoria has overcome so much. She is happy. She is loved. She is thriving. She is settled. That is a big, HUGE deal. The old life is left behind and she has much, much to look forward to. I'm excited, as her mom, to see what the Lord will lead her to do.
No, it hasn't been easy. But nothing worth having is ever easy. But we're making it. Thank the Good Lord.
