Twenty-nine Years, 364 days

Twenty-nine years, 364 days ago today, we had our wedding rehearsal. Location: Blendville Christian Church, Joplin, MO. What exciting times those were. I had 4 attendants: my sister,Chris was my MOH, my two girlfriends from college were my bridesmaids (Janet & Pam), and Don's cousin, Erin, was my flowergirl. My piano teacher from childhood played the organ, and my dear friend from high school sang (Marilyn). It was a beautiful wedding. Small, simple, but beautiful. If I could figure out how to scan pictures, I'd put up a few from my wedding. Perhaps I should get Meg to help me figure it out... Don & I paid for our wedding, most of it anyway. I paid for my dress & vail, Don paid the gratuities for the pastor & the church. Mom was going to pay for the flowers, but after sensing that she couldn't afford what I wanted, I cancelled the flowers and opted for just greenery & bows. We also had aisle candelabras that we rented from the church. Very pretty.... Dick Youkey was our pastor, and he performed the ceremony. We knew he would be good, especially when he showed up wearing a big Texan belt buckle & cowboy boots. :-) Sad to say, he died from cancer a couple of years after we married. I think if he were still alive, he'd be very proud of Don & me....

Don & I were "college" poor..... couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, instead, we spent our wedding night at the Holiday Inn in Joplin, and the next night we were at Crown Center in Kansas City. The cool thing about that was the pool area..... you started swimming inside the building, and then you swim under a bridge and voila! We were outside, with snow all around, in a completely heated pool, with so much steam rising from the water you couldn't see across the pool. Fun times. We did eat dinner at the Top of the Crown that evening. Fancy Schmancy restaurant, much like we were never accustomed to eating in. I didn't exactly know how to handle myself.... but we had fun. The restaurant floor was a turntable and rotated slowly, so you could get a different view of Kansas City all the time. Fun... That restaurant isn't there anymore; been replaced with a steakhouse, not as classy.

When Don & I were in college, we used to joke that we were going to grow old together. Well, we're certainly doing it! I can't believe 30 years has gone by so quickly! Where did it all go? I savor every one of my memories. For the most part, we have had a wonderful marriage. We have had our moments, like everyone else, but because we have Christ centered in our lives, we have overcome so many obstacles. We have overcome infertility, (yes, I'm infertile and was told we would never conceive children), we've overcome financial difficulties of a magnitude I never thought we'd deal with, we have overcome cancer in both of our lives, we are overcoming another hideous disease that is affecting both of our lives, we overcame being put through a federal trial and losing everything we owned with the exception of our house, we have overcome the death of two of our parents, Don's dad & my mom, and we miss them greatly. The older Don gets, the more he is becoming his dad, not only in appearance, but in behavior and voice. It's so weird.... And this summer, we experienced possibly the worst fears, losing our daughter & granddaughter. But God is so good and he brought them both back to health.

We have had many, many blessings in our lives... Let me list some:
1 ~ we have two beautiful daughters, both conceived naturally and with alot of help from God... we have one more baby that currently is in heaven.
2 ~ We have been homeowners since Meghan was 10 months old, as a result from a car accident that we were involved in. Dyan & I were both injured, and the settlement gave us our down payment.
3 ~ I have been able to be a stay at home mom for the entire time we were raising the girls. Talk about a blessing! I wanted children so badly, and when we finally gave birth to Dyan, I could not imagine sending her to childcare so I could have my "career". My career from that point on was being a mommy. I've never regretted it, not one day, and have never looked back.
4 ~ We have been blessed to take many, many camping trips while living in California, with lots of our close friends. Many happy memories from those trips.
5 ~ We have been blessed to be part of some wonderful churches, and to be able to serve in such wonderful churches. Some of our favorite pastors were Ben Merold from Eastside Christian Church in Fullerton, California, "Chief" from Chino California, Ward Tanneburg from Valley Christian Church in Dublin, California, Tim Pusey, probably our favorite, from First Church of the Nazarene in Kansas City, Missouri. We do miss him, but are enjoying our new pastor, Brad Estep.... We've been part of ministries over the years: I ran preschool ministries, women's ministries, led singing & played my 12 string guitar, bible studies, Don's served on boards of elders, boards of deacons, run the sound recording, I've taught Sunday School since 1981, and my children's choir ministry since 1986. Wow, we've been busy! I'm so grateful that church involvement has been such a big part of our lives. Without that involvement and our relationship building with Jesus Christ, I don't know how we would have made it through some of the obstacles thrown our way...
6 ~ We have two terrific son in laws, who both love our daughters. I prayed for them ever since our girls were little, that God would choose for our girls, mates that are godly men, being raised in Christian homes. God has answered our prayers.
7 ~ We are blessed with 3 wonderful, adorable, gorgeous inside & out grandchildren.
8 ~ We have a nice home, and have lived here for 13 years now. That is the longest we've ever lived in one house!

We have had a great life together. I hope it can continue on for 30 more years, that is unless the Lord comes back first!

Tomorrow night, we will celebrate our anniversary as we have the past 10 years or so.... a nice dinner at Ruths Chris Steakhouse on the Plaza. We love that place, but can't regularly afford to eat there... $$$ but so yummy, and special, and intimate.

I will make sure we get pics from our dinner tomorrow. I searched for a picture of Don & me, but apparently they got lost when my laptop crashed while sitting in the hospital with Meg last August....

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And that's my life so far...

Ginormous Coffee

Okay... it's Wednesday. Choir Day. How have things been going, you ask? Well, yesterday was a rough day... had a rough start. And I almost didn't go to bible study, but I forced myself to go. Boy am I glad I did. I didn't have any of my materials or even my bible, but I went. I love my group. They listened to me, and prayed for me. I felt a bit of sadness lift away....

Oh, Carole King and James Taylor are singing on TV right now.... Love that!!! Boy, are they getting old, tho..... lol.

Anywho.... I am glad I went to my bible study yesterday. I confessed to them of the problems I've been dealing with regarding depression, and they all understood and were very helpful to me.... and they prayed for me. I love them.... Angela, Juanita, Edie.... love those ladies. Juanita even called me this morning to see how I was doing. She is such a saint in my eyes. We all need to look up to the saints of the church, in our local churches. We can learn from them.

Yesterday at bible study, my heart was blessed. I looked over at the table where Dyan & Meg were sitting, and they both had their daughters on their laps, and my heart was full. Later, Dyan put Lily on the floor while she went to get some hot water for mixing up formula, and Lils was moving across the floor like lightning.... so I grabbed her up and had her sit with me, where she grabbed my coffee mug and gnawed on the rim of it. She is so adorable... And sometimes, she's look at me and then the sweetest thing happened ~ she puckered up sorta in an open mouth fashion and leaned in to me to give me a kiss. Melt my heart!!! She did that several times. And then when it was time to pray, I whispered to her that we were gonna talk to Jesus, and she then put her head into the crook of my neck and nestled in there.... it was so adorable. And after prayer, she decided to take a nap, right there in my arms. Melted my heart again.

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After bible study, the girls, Christian & I went to Sweet Tomatoes to grab lunch. Yummy.... That was fun. Then Meg & I went back to the church and we cleaned out the KCC closet & filed a bunch of music. Meg did all the music filing and I cleaned out the closet, threw a bunch of old paperwork away, organized the musicals into clear boxes I bought from Target, reorganized the musical prop boxes, tossing out some things we'd never use again.... and now, everything is all cleaned and organized. Feels great! Mackenzie just played on the floor and clicked her tongue and laughed at me whenever I'd stop and talk to her! Adorable...

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A friend of mine is reading a book about how to find happiness. Apparently the author traveled to happy places in the world and also to unhappy places, searching for happiness. A former pastor of mine told me the key to finding happiness.... He said, "True happiness is not found by material things, but is found in living a life that is right with God." I totally believe that.

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I had the opportunity to be used by God yesterday. Someone I know wanted to talk because she was having a really down day, and was going to lose her certification for a class she teaches and couldn't afford to take the recertification classes. The cost was $200. I told her, "Is that all that's making you upset?? $200???" and I just told her not to worry about it. It would be covered. I guess I made her day. To me, it's no biggie, but just another way for me to show her a "motherly" type of love. Truly, she is a very sweet young lady, and has a rough relationship with her bio-mom. And I'm not sure about her religious feelings, but I hope that she can see Jesus through me, and I want her to know a mother's love through me. She has helped me in so many ways, that this bit of monetary help I can give her is just a drop in the bucket. So, dear daughter in cyberland, if you're reading this, just know that the Jesus I know and love, loves YOU for who you are, because after all, He created YOU perfect in His image, and He loves you and so do I!

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I have two cyber daughters, and I love them both. One of them, I had the opportunity to drive out and visit with last summer... the highlight of my summer. The other one, I'm planning on flying out here to meet all of us in person, hopefully around Meg's birthday. What fun that will be!

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I've settled in on a children's musical for this year. "Acorns to Oaks." It's about the parable of the seeds, and includes a song about the fruits of the Spirit. It's all centered around farmers, planting seeds, and how to cultivate them to grow properly. I want these children to know what it means to take God's word, let it take root in their heart, and be the foundation of their lives. I want my children's choir to grow from acorns to mighty oaks, living for God. I'll be ordering the materials today for the musical, so I can get busy putting together the audition packets, and off we go!!! I will be handing out the audition packets & CD's the first week of February, and then auditions will be a few weeks later. Fun times ahead, for sure.

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And that's my life so far....

Blog Therapy, Part Deux

Hello Cyberspace..... it's good to see you again! What's new? Nuthin' much.... just trying to kick this depression thing.

I'm wondering, could diet affect these feelings of depression? I know that Julie or April will have things to say about this, and so I'm wondering.... is my diet affecting my depression?

For the most part, I eat a very healthy diet. Lots of proteins, fruits, veggies, salads, very little complex carbs. I usually eat 2 eggs for breakfast and some tea, or 8 oz of lactose free milk. For lunch, I've been having 3 oz of tuna, a smidge of mayo & relish, stirred together and with 8 whole grain crackers, and then some vegetables or fruit. I have a snack of a fruit smoothie, which is some frozen fruit, a little milk, and sometimes a scoop of my vitamin powder, and for dinner, fish or chicken, roasted potatoes or brown rice or some other grain, and a salad. That is my diet on a good day. But this weekend, I've blown it. The Girl Scout cookies have been delivered and eaten. :-O I know!!! I know, I know, I know!!! And today??? Popcorn at the movie theatre, with butter on it. And last night? Dinner at Buca di Beppo - salad, garlic bread & manicotti.... 2 of them! OMGosh, it was delish!

So, today, I was sooooo sleepy, I could NOT wake up! I got up at 9 AM and took my synthroid, waited an hour to eat, then had 2 slices of whole grain organic bread, toast, and 8 oz of lactose free milk, and then proceeded to sleep again until 1 PM!!! OMGosh, I cannot do this! Deep sigh....

What is wrong with me??? I'd sure like someone to tell me! I know, I need to get back on my exercise schedule, get big into the weight lifting, because muscle burns more fat, yada yada yada.... but I'm sooooooo freakin' tired all the time! What's up with this??? You tell me...

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So, Don & I went to the movie this afternoon. We always go to the matinee because I refuse to pay full price for a movie ticket, and afternoons have older people in the audiences, and at night time, I'm tired, and the theaters are full of teeny boppers who have absolutely no movie etiquette. Brats, they are. I digress...

We went and saw "Leap Year." Chick flick. Yup, Don went with me to watch a chick flick. What a guy! I loved the movie. Very clean, cute romantic comedy, predictable. I like predictable these days. I don't need some big emotionally draining movie to entertain me. I just don't want it. Who does, really? I think I'll buy this movie when it comes out on DVD. Add to my chick flick collection, which included "When Harry Met Sally", "Under the Tuscan Sun", "The Wedding Date," among many, many others... Oh, let's not forget "While You Were Sleeping," one of my favs. Sometimes a girl just needs to watch a chick flick and forget about life, ya know?

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We eat out too much. Way too much. Last night, while out to dinner with our pastor and his wife, we were joking with them, saying that Dyan thinks it's funny that we know every bartender in Lee's Summit. Ya see, we go out to dinner so much, we never wait for a table, but instead, just go sit at the bar. That way, we get service faster, talk to the bartender, watch the sports game on TV, and just have a very pleasant time. At OTB, we know Heather, Galen, John & Carla.... at Longhorn, it's Ben and his wife, but I never can remember her name... So, are we pathetic? I don't think so. But, we do eat out too much. My doctor says that if we ate home more, we'd have an easier time losing weight. She's probably right.

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I just have to kick this depression. I want to be back to normal. What is normal anyway? Someone please tell me.... I want my normal life back. I'm afraid it will never come back. Seriously, this probably has to do with my emotions dealing with Don's stuff. I dunno..... but I'm tired of it.

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And that's my life so far....

Therapy Time

Depression sucks. Yup. I truly need to be better about remembering to take my "happy" pill EVERY day.... because when I go without for several days, I just get out of control, emotionally.

Depression. I don't know why I'm depressed. It all started back after my breast cancer diagnosis, 4 years ago. Oh, I guess, really, after my treatment. I guess that was the same time as I became an empty nester. I guess for someone like me, who's main ambition in life was to be a mommy, and the best mommy I could be, and then BAM, it's all finished.... AND you just came through treatments for a disease that claimed your wonderful mother's life.... well, I guess it stands to reason. But, why can't I snap out of it? Only God knows.....

I used to think that I could just "get over" it... WRONG. I used to think that I could wean myself from the "happy" pills.... WRONG. So, what's a woman to do? Why am I depressed?
I have everything I could ever want. I have a wonderful husband. I have 2 beautiful, Godly women for daughters. I have two wonderful son in laws, who both love my daughters. I have 3 wonderful, totally fun grandchildren. I'm a stay at home Grandma. I have a wonderful ministry, working with people & children that I adore. I live in a nice home. My husband makes a good living and I don't worry too much about $$$. God always provides for our needs. I drive a reliable vehicle. So, why am I not happy???? If you know the answer to this, please let me know!!!

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I don't like being criticized. Ever. Last week, I had a verbal run-in with one of my daughter's mother in laws. She basically told me that I'm no expert on her daughter, and my tidbits of advice and "lifting up" of my daughter were doing more harm than good. SAY WHAT??? I thought I'd blast her out of the water, but instead, I chose to not respond to her accusations at all. That has been difficult, since I soooooooo want to tell her that yes, I AM an expert on my daughter, that I know her better than anyone does, with the exception perhaps of her husband. Husbands should know their wives better than the parents do.... at least in a different way. It's taken me almost a week to get over this one, and to realize, after talking with the daughter involved, that this person is just very unhappy with her own relationships with her own daughters.... and she's unhappy in her marriage, but tries to cover everything up with the appearance of being happy. Sad. So, I'm working on forgiveness, and after talking at LENGTH with both of my girls, I have been reassured that yes, I am a good mother, and that this person was totally out of line. I just wish that my one daughter would let her MIL know that the relationship she has with her mother is a good one, and it's frankly none of her stinkin' business. Unfortunately, this daughter doesn't like confrontations. So, I'll let it lie. Knowing me, this is very difficult. I just want to spout off at the mouth. Guess I'm growing up
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One of my so called "friends" on facebook accused me this week of bragging about the kind of lifestyle I lead. I've noticed the last several weeks, that whenever she'd leave a comment on my status, it was always negative. So, yesterday, I came out in a personal message to her, and asked her if I've done something to irritate her, since I detect alot of negativity in her comments to me. Whoa.... did that open a can of worms! This person, someone I met through a weight watcher chat room, years ago, is pretty poor, money-wise. She works 7 days a week. She has 2 kids in college & one at home still. She's a pretty big complainer. So, when she sees things like, "booked trip to Cabo," or "wears UGGS," or honest to God, I can't think of anything else! Well, apparently I'm bragging and rubbing my lifestyle in the face of those who are less fortunate. Oh, and the best part? She called me spoiled!!! LOLOL SERIOUSLY???? Well, I responded, you can be sure! I told her about my "spoiled" life..... about the 39 counts of federal indictments against my husband; about it costing us $250,000 in legal fees; that we lost everything except our house; that we lost our business, equipment, building; that my husband has been diagnosed with something totally unexplainable, but we're learning to deal with; that I'm a breast cancer survivor; that we worked hard to reestablish another business; and what was her response??? It was all about her. She doesn't mean to complain so much, so she says. She loves her life, her husband and her children. So, I thought, "Psh." And I clicked "unfriend" on her. That's that! My cyber daughter, April, called that kind of person, "poison people." She's so right. I don't need any poison in my life. Do you?

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We have soooo much snow right now.... it's quite ridiculous. My back deck has drifts / mounds of snow several feet high. Don snowplowed a path for Cali... poor little baby girl.

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I need some Kenzie time. Only had her one day last week because of the weather. Tomorrow. They'll come over after church tomorrow. It's a good thing.

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I had some great Christian time the other day... Oh, and you're reading a blog from "The Best Grandma in the Whole Wide World." I know this because Christian told me so! Love that boy...

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Lily started to crawl the other day. She's getting the motion down, and then just flattens out. When she smiles, she lights up the room. Love that sweet baby girl. Honest to goodness, I NEVER hear her cry!!! She's soooo happy. Wish it could be put into a bottle and IV fed to me!!!

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Thanks for listening, Cyberland. I'll put your check in the mail.
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And that's my life so far.