Depression sucks. Yup. I truly need to be better about remembering to take my "happy" pill EVERY day.... because when I go without for several days, I just get out of control, emotionally.
Depression. I don't know why I'm depressed. It all started back after my breast cancer diagnosis, 4 years ago. Oh, I guess, really, after my treatment. I guess that was the same time as I became an empty nester. I guess for someone like me, who's main ambition in life was to be a mommy, and the best mommy I could be, and then BAM, it's all finished.... AND you just came through treatments for a disease that claimed your wonderful mother's life.... well, I guess it stands to reason. But, why can't I snap out of it? Only God knows.....
I used to think that I could just "get over" it... WRONG. I used to think that I could wean myself from the "happy" pills.... WRONG. So, what's a woman to do? Why am I depressed?
I have everything I could ever want. I have a wonderful husband. I have 2 beautiful, Godly women for daughters. I have two wonderful son in laws, who both love my daughters. I have 3 wonderful, totally fun grandchildren. I'm a stay at home Grandma. I have a wonderful ministry, working with people & children that I adore. I live in a nice home. My husband makes a good living and I don't worry too much about $$$. God always provides for our needs. I drive a reliable vehicle. So, why am I not happy???? If you know the answer to this, please let me know!!!
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I don't like being criticized. Ever. Last week, I had a verbal run-in with one of my daughter's mother in laws. She basically told me that I'm no expert on her daughter, and my tidbits of advice and "lifting up" of my daughter were doing more harm than good. SAY WHAT??? I thought I'd blast her out of the water, but instead, I chose to not respond to her accusations at all. That has been difficult, since I soooooooo want to tell her that yes, I AM an expert on my daughter, that I know her better than anyone does, with the exception perhaps of her husband. Husbands should know their wives better than the parents do.... at least in a different way. It's taken me almost a week to get over this one, and to realize, after talking with the daughter involved, that this person is just very unhappy with her own relationships with her own daughters.... and she's unhappy in her marriage, but tries to cover everything up with the appearance of being happy. Sad. So, I'm working on forgiveness, and after talking at LENGTH with both of my girls, I have been reassured that yes, I am a good mother, and that this person was totally out of line. I just wish that my one daughter would let her MIL know that the relationship she has with her mother is a good one, and it's frankly none of her stinkin' business. Unfortunately, this daughter doesn't like confrontations. So, I'll let it lie. Knowing me, this is very difficult. I just want to spout off at the mouth. Guess I'm growing up
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One of my so called "friends" on facebook accused me this week of bragging about the kind of lifestyle I lead. I've noticed the last several weeks, that whenever she'd leave a comment on my status, it was always negative. So, yesterday, I came out in a personal message to her, and asked her if I've done something to irritate her, since I detect alot of negativity in her comments to me. Whoa.... did that open a can of worms! This person, someone I met through a weight watcher chat room, years ago, is pretty poor, money-wise. She works 7 days a week. She has 2 kids in college & one at home still. She's a pretty big complainer. So, when she sees things like, "booked trip to Cabo," or "wears UGGS," or honest to God, I can't think of anything else! Well, apparently I'm bragging and rubbing my lifestyle in the face of those who are less fortunate. Oh, and the best part? She called me spoiled!!! LOLOL SERIOUSLY???? Well, I responded, you can be sure! I told her about my "spoiled" life..... about the 39 counts of federal indictments against my husband; about it costing us $250,000 in legal fees; that we lost everything except our house; that we lost our business, equipment, building; that my husband has been diagnosed with something totally unexplainable, but we're learning to deal with; that I'm a breast cancer survivor; that we worked hard to reestablish another business; and what was her response??? It was all about her. She doesn't mean to complain so much, so she says. She loves her life, her husband and her children. So, I thought, "Psh." And I clicked "unfriend" on her. That's that! My cyber daughter, April, called that kind of person, "poison people." She's so right. I don't need any poison in my life. Do you?
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We have soooo much snow right now.... it's quite ridiculous. My back deck has drifts / mounds of snow several feet high. Don snowplowed a path for Cali... poor little baby girl.
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I need some Kenzie time. Only had her one day last week because of the weather. Tomorrow. They'll come over after church tomorrow. It's a good thing.
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I had some great Christian time the other day... Oh, and you're reading a blog from "The Best Grandma in the Whole Wide World." I know this because Christian told me so! Love that boy...
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Lily started to crawl the other day. She's getting the motion down, and then just flattens out. When she smiles, she lights up the room. Love that sweet baby girl. Honest to goodness, I NEVER hear her cry!!! She's soooo happy. Wish it could be put into a bottle and IV fed to me!!!
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Thanks for listening, Cyberland. I'll put your check in the mail.
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And that's my life so far.
4 comments:
ok first things first.... you are the most amazing mom i know!!! not only do you love your children with more love than i knew was possible, but then you top it by showing so much love and compassion for others. since the day i met you i have been blown away by your love, compassion, just the whole deb package!!! i seriously want to send over adoption papers LOL. you are now just referred to as mom in our house LOL.
ok, moving on... depression is a tricky thing. i know i battle with it, i am today actually. there's something (at least for me) that will trigger it. it could even be something small like a commercial on t.v. or something. i have never taken any pills, not a big pill person for some reason. i do know that taking some me time seems to really help. it doesn't matter if i am just painting my toe nails or reading a book, as long as it's something for me and no one else. also, hugs, the more the better LOL. and as corny and as expectant as this may sound... yoga. i was super bummed before, but after doing some i already feel better. this morning was a frustrating one (i will explain in my blog) but after instructing my class i felt a million times better!
third, you are the best grandma and mom! so listen to sweet christian, he's one smart cookie!
as for that "friend" good riddance! i apologize if i sometimes come off as a downer. but not once have i ever felt that you were rubbing things in or being spoiled! i know you and your family have been through so much, even this past year with meg and kenzie. i think that people cannot appreciate the good things in life if they haven't lived through some bad. within the light there is always dark (even if it's a spec) and in the dark there is always light. and people need to realize that bad times will pass. life is in continuous motion, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but it's what makes it life! it's what you take from the bad and the good that changes everything. plus there are always those people who are just sour pusses and have to bring everyone down with them. i would really love to just put all those people on an island together, then they would have something to complain about LOL.
don't let anyone let you think you are anything less than amazing! because you really are!!! and i should i know, i only talk to amazing people! =P
i love you mom and know that you are loved by so many, have touched so many, and have accomplished so much!
(((((((Oh, dear friend.))))))))
Let's see if the kids give me enough time to write all I want to. :o)
A) I'm sorry you had a run in with your daughter's MIL. I'm proud of you for keeping mum and not going all crazy-woman on her, but you DO have a right to stand up for yourself. You just have to decide if it's worth the trouble it might cause. That said, you're an amazing mom. That's illustrated beautifully in the fact that you can go to your daughters and talk openly to them about this and gain their reassurance. That shows what a beautiful and solid relationship you have with your girls, and you're all lucky for that. Not many girls have a mom that will talk honestly and openly about what's going on, and vice versa. Good for you - all those years of being a fantastic mommy have paid off in the relationship you have with both girls now that they're grown. That's what we call Successful Parenting. Truly Deb, if my daughters turn out as great as yours have, I'll consider myself a success at my main goal in life. I admire you so much and I hope I can glean lots of wisdom from you in the coming years!
B)On being spoiled - heh! That made me giggle. Don't you call yourself a "spoiled rotten housewife?" :o) I love hearing about the fun things you do and the fancy stuff you have. Ya know why? Because after all you've been through, you really appreciate it all. So many people have fancy things and they take it all for granted. You don't. That's what makes you NOT spoiled. And phooey on the "friend". April's right - that's Poison People. Some people are meant to be in our lives only for a short time, and then it's time to let go. Definitely let go of this one. You need positivity, not miserable whiners who make you feel bad about yourself. I don't think you need any help with that. :oP
C)Depression: ah, a constant battle, isn't it? I think it's a mix between mental and dietary, personally. There are probably some things you could do naturally to help boost the endorphins and hormones that bring stability to your mood. The rest is a day to day process. I succeed sometimes, and fail miserably other times. Some things that help when I'm really struggling: spending time with good, close friends, really talking about what I'm feeling; taking Positive Action - whether it be writing out a "plan of action" to overcome a certain struggle, or getting some good hard exercise, or whatever. Sometimes it's uplifting to feel like I'm making real progress in something; Studying Buddhist concepts works great for me - not that I'm Buddhist (I think we discussed that) but I think some of the ideas of "satisfaction with what we have" and "some things can't be changed" are good things to focus on; doing something kind for someone else - offering up a prayer for a stranger who obviously needs it, baking cookies for an unsuspecting neighbor, or whatever. Or head on over to a support message board and offer encouragement and support for others who are struggling - that's always uplifting for me.
You're a wonderful, beautiful, kind and generous woman, Deb. Don't let anyone tell you different. Those of us who have you in our lives are blessed to have you.
Love you dearly, Cyber Mama. :o)
Oh, my sweet Cyberdaughters.... what would I do without you in my life???? Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words and reassurances mean more to me than you can possibly imagine....
God is sooooo good! He put you both in my life, and He knew I'd need you both! How did I get so lucky to have two beautifuly bio-daughters and two equally beautiful cyber daughters???? Just call me one lucky, blessed Mom!
Love you both ~
awww, we are the blessed ones! don't make me tear up again now LOL.
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