Venting...

It's "musical" time... and as usual, I'm gettin' a bit stressed. Doesn't help that I weaned myself off of my psych drugs, therefore goin' it on my own. I just wanna cry at about everything. I cry in commercials now. I cry reading cards. I cry when I tell my husband thank you for helping me redesign my garden. I cry watching eaglets hatch on that website I'm mesmerized with... I'm a mess. ***

I hate feeling like I'm stupid. When I have a plan to redo my garden, I don't need to feel like I'm putting anyone out by not being able to do things myself. However, I'm old, or at least, I feel old, and I'm overweight, and I'm not as able to work hard as I used to do. We need to redo the garden, and I need help to do it. I need my herbs and fresh veggies. But our ground is all clay. Not good for growing things. I'm tired of the battle, and of the weeds. So, Don said he'd build me some raised beds. Fine. I just want my perennial / bulb bed to stay the same. Fine. So, we decided to use some of the flagstone to build a mini wall, to make it look like this space is cordoned (sp?) off. To me, it sorta looks like a secret garden. I built the wall yesterday, after arguing with Don about the fact that he didn't think I could get it done in one day. I stayed home from church to dedicate the day to working in my garden, and yes, I was determined to get it finished. And I did. But at the cost of being made to feel worthless. I hate that.

Case in point... I wanted a patio area to be able to put a little bistro table on with 2 chairs, so I could share a good snack or reading time out there with any of my grandchildren. But the problem was that it was in a corner of the garden with a slope. Don had one idea of how to get the patio put in, and I had another. I kept feeling like I was really putting him out, and I didn't like that. I'm sure it was just my non-cymbalta feelings coming into play. At any rate, I ended up scrapping the idea of the patio, instead opting to put the table and chairs anywhere where there was just mulch on the ground and no raised beds. Don did say he'd put in some concrete to anchor a good, level spot for my butterfly garden bench. Give and take. I guess that's what it's about.

Anyway, after the wall building, I ended up taking my shower, and the more the evening wore on, the more my arthritic joints flared up. By the time it was evening, we sat in the hot tub, trying to ease my pain. And yes, lightning was everywhere, and it was pretty scary / awesome sitting out there with the weather happening all around. We did hightail it out of there once the rain started. Which was a good thing, since the hail storm came just a few minutes later. Haven't seen hail like that in years. Very scary... By the time I went to bed, I literally was crying from the pain in my joints. Took 2 aleve and finally slept.

***

Fast forward to this evening. It was time to meet some choir parents at the church to build the stage for our musical. We needed 10 platforms screwed together, among many other things. I have a vision for what I want, and when people argue with me about it, it really frustrates me. I can see that something CAN work, but they say it can't. I'm made to feel like it's just too much trouble. I hate that. I wish everyone could see the vision I see, but that's not possible, nor should it be. We're all individuals, after all. And I'm coping post-cymbalta. My nerves are on edge, and I'm pretty cymbalta-less sensitive. Don't tell me something can't be done! I can see that it can, and I was frustrated. All it took was moving something 1 or 2 inches one way or the other, and it all would have been perfect. Instead, there's a big gap in the flooring. But, duct tape will fix it, and noone will see it. I just know it could have been done right the first time, and noone wanted to be bothered, so it seemed. I don't like to be made to feel like I don't know what I'm talking about. Frustrating, so venting.

But, the stage is put together, complete with the black curtains, children's risers, floor covering, and skirting, and I must say, it looks GOOD. Very professional looking, which is what our kids deserve. And I had several choir dads come to help, which was a huge blessing.

Venting: sometimes when I ask for help from whoever, I feel like I'm putting them out, or causing an inconvenience. I wish I didn't feel that way. I'm not doing this for ME, for crying out loud! I'm in charge of a ministry that enables children to serve the Lord, have fun while doing it, making them feel empowered in their lives, and to me, there's nothing more important. I just wish everyone else felt that way. Non-cymbalta talking. Oy... but, I will NOT go back on it.

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So, I gained back 5 of the 8 lbs I lost. The last 2 weeks have been hard on my diet, post-gallbladder surgery. And I'm a stress eater. I had potato chips yesterday. Boy,did they taste good! I threw the rest of the bag away today. Yay for me! I'm back on ww again... trying.

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We've been bearing alot of stress from work lately. Don hasn't taken a paycheck in a month, and I'm a week behind. We can't get customers to pay, and that puts alot of strain on the company. I'm worried about Don. Everyone else seems to be able to get away from the worry & stress, but not Don. He bears the company on his shoulders. He can't escape it. He keeps working through it, and is determined to see this through. I pray alot, as does Don. God will bring us through this time, and He will receive the glory for it.

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Not the "happy" blog this time, but it is my life so far...