Hey, what happened???

Okay, so like, I've been gone from blogging for a few months.... and all of a sudden, my previous design has been totally wiped out.... ugh.  Someday, I'll go find a new blog design, one that reflects who I am.

For "anonymous", I'm still here.... just been on a life adventure.  To date, I've lost 38 pounds on this diet program...  Been busy with the children's choir I direct, and with life in general.

I'll update, "journal", more when I feel like I need some therapy... LOL

Until then, Merry Christmas!~

I'm here...

I'm here...  But it's been so long, and for some reason, blogspot is acting up on me....  :-/

Day Whatever....

I've lost track of what day this is on my Medi-diet.  It's Monday, tho....  and today has been really tough.  Lots of tears today.  I feel like I'm being punished for "lettin' myself go."  I'm hungry.  My digestive system is not too happy right now.  TMI?  Sorry.  My energy levels are lagging today.  My emotions are pretty raw today.

What have I eaten today?

Breakfast = 2 eggs.  20 oz of vitamin water.  2 cups of coffee with a little bit of fat free creamer in it.

Lunch = 4 oz turkey breast, 2 sticks of cheese.

Dinner = 4 oz of pork tenderloin.  Water.

About 510 calories today. 

Tomorrow I go to the doctor for vitamin shots & to weigh in.  I think the vitamin shots will really help me.  I missed the time on Friday, since they close shop at 2.  So, perhaps that's why I'm lagging a bit today.... 

I went to the grocery store today.  That was difficult.  But I did it.  Stuck to my guns.  Bought 3 bananas for Kenzie, 1 lb of turkey breast from the deli counter, string cheese & another kind of cheese, all low fat and in individual servings of 1 oz each.  I bought a quart of milk for Kenzie.  I bought a bunch of zero powerade, grape & orange flavored.  They don't have any carbs in them.  And I bought a garlic / lemon marinated pork tenderloin.  That was delicious for dinner. 

Part of my emotional problems have to do with our company having problems again getting customers to pay.  We're behind on getting paychecks, which means I'm about a week behind on some bills.  I know it's not critical yet, but I'm NEVER late on my bills and this is distressing to me.  I spent the afternoon unburying my desk, going thru mail, entering bills on quickbooks, and shredding a bunch of junk mail offers.  Normally I'd be having a glass of wine or a beer while doing that task, but not today!  I only had my water / powerade zero.  ::deep sigh::

Okay... get a grip, Deb.  Time to focus on what the results will be of eating this way.  I NEED to get back to my skinny self.  I have to!

Okay, I'm just gonna ignore my growling tummy.  Perhaps I'll treat myself to a diet root beer in a bit!

***
and that's my life so far...

Day Five

Okay.  Day 5.  I cannot tell you how much better I'm feelin' already. It's like, "Oh yeah.... this is what it's like to NOT be so tired ALL the time!"  Nice. 

I am gettin' a bit of a headache, tho.... Need to drink some water.  BRB.

Okay, got my vitamin water zero, orange flavored and am all set.

Church Day.  So, this morning, I had my coffee with a scant amount of creamer in it.  I had a chocolate protein shake on the way to church, and I took all my vitamins.  I was not hungry at all during church.  I even gave out snacks to my little Toddler Class, and didn't even consider eating a goldfishy...  How about that???  I came home, had 4 oz of deli sliced ham and 1 hard boiled egg.  YUMMO.  And a Diet Dr. Pepper.  So, I haven't had enough water yet today.  But I'm workin' on it.

Gotta go back to church tonight to be part of the service celebrating the past year in our church.  I need to speak about the Kaleidoscope Children's Choir & our recent Work & Witness trip to Alaska.  It will be a LONG service, about an hour and a half.  So, I'm not sure if I'll eat before or wait til after.  I get pretty hungry in the evenings.  I'm just not used to NOT having anything sweet to eat in the evenings, like ice cream or cookies.  So, my tummy grumbles. 

I'm pretty proud of myself.  I already can see that my "preggo" tummy has slimmed down.  According to my scale at home, I'm down 9 lbs since Wednesday.  I know most of it is water weight... but still, 9 lbs is 9 lbs.  So Woo Hoo to me!

***
And that's my life so far...

Day Three

Hey!  Okay!  Better!!!  Down 2 1/2 more lbs, according to my scale at home.  I know, I know, it's all water weight, but I tell ya what... I put on a pair of pants today that I wouldn't wear while in Alaska a month ago, and they fit!  So Woo to the Hoo Hooooo.  I won't be surprised if I have a 10 lb WL this week.  I go on Tuesday for my WI, officially. 

Sleep.  It evaded me last night.  Wide awake from 2 AM to about 4:30ish.  So sorry, Don.  Had the TV on that whole time, trying to get it to lull me back to sleep.  I think it's the appetite suppressant that's doing it.  We'll see.  I took 2 yesterday, but the 2nd one was at 3 PM.  Today, I took my 2nd one at 1:30.  So, I'll see if that helps.

BUT.... I feel MUCH better today!  More energetic!  And I'm in ketosis.  I checked my strip at 4 AM.  Yup.  It changed.  It's a good thing.

Still having a troublesome side effect.  Just ate 2 oz of chicken and am drinking a diet dr. pepper.  Gonna wait a bit to make sure I'm okay before heading to the clinic for my vitamin shots. 

But..... WOO TO THE HOO HOOOOOOOOO~

***
And that's my life so far.

Day Two

Okay.  Day Two has been a rough one.  I woke up throughout the night with tummy rumbles.... and no less than 4 times to go pee.  BUT, the scale showed 5 lbs gone since yesterday!  Woo hoo!

Today has been really rough.  I've been very tired.  Have drank alot of water and coffee.  Have eaten a bit.  Getting ready to cook the chicken.  I may end up having a hard boiled egg with it.  I'm pretty hungry.

But I'm makin' it.  I know once I get into ketosis, I'll get my energy back, and the lbs will melt off. 

I will start back to exercise next Monday.  I just don't think I could have handled it today nor tomorrow.  Conserving energy, ya know?

***
and that's my life so far.

Day One

Okay.  Day One.  Starting a journey back to the Old Me.  I'm desperate.  I'm off all of my meds that caused me to gain weight.  No more Tamixofen.  No more Cymbalta.  It's just little ole me.  I have been drug free since last April, and still have only managed to lose a few lbs.  So..... here I go!

I'm starting the plan that Dyan is on.  Medi something or other.  It's a plan supervised by a weight loss doctor.  It's designed to put my body into a ketonic state, therefore causing me to burn fat, not muscle, in a very quick way.  And... then there's going to be maintenance, once I lose the weight.  Apparently this first week will be the toughest.  Protein.  That's it.  Lots and lots of protein.  Well, not lots and lots.  Gotta keep it at 500 calories of protein per day for a week.  Then I get to up it to 800 and add back in fruit and veggies. 

No more cream in my coffee.
No more "adult" beverages.
No more carbs.
No more fried okra.
No more light icecream at night.

What do I get?

I get to be back to my old self.
I will get to wear my size 12 jeans again.  Maybe even 10's.
I will get to wear the rest of the clothes in my closet.
I see myself without my extra chins!

The problem is this....  I have body dysmorphic disorder, only in reverse.  I still feel skinny inside.  But when I walk past a mirror, see myself in photographs or in car windows, I don't recognize myself.  Bad.  That is bad.

So, I'm starting on this new journey back to my old self. 

***
And that's my life so far.

***
So, now it's the end of Day One.  How do I feel?  Well, overwhelmed, to be quite honest.  There is alot to learn.  And like Dyan has told me, I have to wrap my mind around this.  I can do it.  I know I can.  But right now, I'm hungry.  Really hungry. 

Today, I've eaten 1 1/2 eggs for breakfast with 2 cups of BLACK coffee.  Then I had my appt. at the doctor.  That took 2 hours.  I got my vitamin shots and then they gave me a protein bar because I'd blown thru lunch time and was a little shaky.  Then I went to the pharmacy to get my meds filled.  Stopped by Sonic to get a diet cherry limeade.  Came home, took all my supplements and made my grocery shopping list.  Lots and lots of proteins. 

Went to the store and bought what I needed and some extra food stuffs for Don to eat.  He's not on this extreme diet.  He's skinny enough.  Sooooo, then I got home around 4 and dug into my rotisserie chicken, pulled off 4 oz of it and ate it up.  I was REALLY hungry by that time.  Then I drank 20 oz of vitamin water with 0 calories to get some electrolites. 

Next, I cleaned out the fridge of all bad things.  That filled up 2 trash bags.  Oy.... 

For dinner, I got the George Foreman out and grilled 3 oz of salmon, and hardboiled 4 eggs.  I ate one of them along with my salmon, which btw, was quite yummy.  I sprinkled Old Bay Seasoning on it and it was DELISH. 

Now it's almost 8 and I'm still hungry.  I know this will go away.  I'm fixin' to have a diet root beer for dessert.  I know I'll be up all night peein'.  Oh well. 

One day down, 6 to go.  I know I can do it.  I've had LOTS of emotions today.  I cried when I saw my weight.  I was excited when she told me that one of my numbers shows that it's obvious I've been exercising.  I liked that!  The girls at the clinic were VERY encouraging to me.  Dyan was very encouraging to me.  I'm pretty scared, tho....  what if I fail at yet another weightloss attempt???  I simply cannot.  I MUST get this weight off.  My life really depends on it.  I MUST get to where I look good in my pictures again. 

God?  Help me???

***
And that's my life so far...

The Destruction of My Childhood Town

May 22, 2011, an EF 5 tornado hits Joplin, MO at 5:41 PM, was on the ground for something like 13 miles, over a half mile wide and completely destroyed the part of town where I grew up. 

***

May 20th ~ I had been talking to my sister, letting her know I'd come to Joplin to help her clean up her house, since she'd been so sick for the last 3 weeks.  I knew I was having a family gathering on Saturday, so instead, I told her I'd come down on Sunday.  Not a problem.  Well... except for the fact that I teach a toddler Sunday school class, and those little girls miss Miss Debbie so much when I'm not there.... so, I decided to stay home and teach those sweet girls.  And since I wouldn't be able to get to Joplin until the middle of the afternoon, I figured it wouldn't give me much good cleaning time, so I called my sister and told her I'd rather come down on Monday, so I'd have a full day of cleaning / organizing, and caring for her since she was so sick.  She said that would be fine, and instead of my coming down, she'd take Sunday afternoon and go visit her mother in law.  Set. 

Don & I decided to go to the movies that afternoon, which we haven't done in such a long while.  Pirates of the Caribbean.  Good.  When we came out, we had phone calls from Jory asking us if we knew if Chris was alright!  What?  A tornado???  OMGosh!!!  No way!!!  Then the next several hours were frantic with phone calls to Josh (Chris' son) and Chris' phone, which went straight to voicemail.  (Her phone was probably in Indiana by that time.)  We got home and turned on the news, and I couldn't believe my eyes....  The Finger of God touched my hometown in a dramatic way.

About 9 PM that night, we had confirmation that my sister was okay, as she had been on the other side of town.  Praising God for that.  My brother & sister in law were home, and fine.  My family had been spared.  Others had not.  Such a tragedy. 


My sister's house, view from the street.



My sister's house, view from the back.

Her son, Josh spent the first week, post-tornado helping her find precious momentos in the debris.  She found the flag her husband was buried with (military honors), she found his picture, his wedding ring, she found our mother's wedding dishes all still intact with the exception of 2 cup handles, and she found 2 of her much-needed medications! 

I came down this week to lend a hand, however I might.  We were able to salvage some items from her storage unit on Wednesday.  While I searched, she went to run an errand. I was alone in the storage unit area, hauling out things that she'd want to keep.  The heat was overwhelming.  The destruction all around me was devastating.  At one point, I found a chair in someone else's unit, and brought it by Chris' pile of stuff, and was sitting there looking all around me.  Everywhere I could see was devastation, as if a bomb went off.  A really BIG bomb.  Apartments behind me - gone.  Trees stripped of their bark & limbs torn off.  I started noticing the eerie quiet all around me, with the exception of the creeking of metal as the wind blew it.  No birds.  No cars.  Complete eerie quiet.  Almost as what I imagine the end of civilization would be.  No words can really describe it. 

***
Some pictures of my childhood places.

Irving Grade School

St. John's Hospital, where I spent my 16th birthday recovering from a bicycle crash.

Blendville Christian Church, where I was married back in 1980. 

The Elks Lodge, where we had our wedding reception.

So, I guess I can really say, teaching a toddler Sunday school class at First Church of the Nazarene REALLY CAN save your life! 

***
And that's my life so far...

Randon Thoughts for the Month of May

1.  I find when I stay busy, my depression stays away.
2.  The garden beds are built, installed & filled.  :)
3.  It's great having a husband who is so strong.
4.  I love sitting in my garden watching my grandchildren discovering new things while playing there.
5.  Kenzie loves twirling around the tree in the center of my garden, a double blooming weeping cherry tree.
6.  I planted okra.  Lots and lots of okra.
7.  I'm grateful for an inventive husband who devised a way to keep the bunnies out of my raised beds.
8.  I don't mind seeing chickenwire in my garden.
9.  I love my herb bed.  It's filled with oregano, chives, Greek oregano, lavendar, rosemary, thyme, 3 kinds of basil, summer savory, cilantro.
10.  Just when I don't feel valued at church, God reminds me that I am!  Case in point... when walking out of church last Sunday evening, a nice little old lady, while getting into her car, stopped and stood up & told me this:  "I want to thank you for what you do for those children and for our church.  I want you to know you are valued."  God, it can't get any more clear than that!  Thank you, Jesus.
11.  This nagging coughing is not lung cancer.  :)  Just allergies, I suppose...  Never had allergies before.  What's up with that?
12.  I need to get into the Word more, daily.  It always feeds me, and I've been missing it.
13.  I need to keep reading "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn.  It always excites me, thinking about what it will be like in heaven.
14.  I'm looking forward to our Work & Witness trip to Alaska.  Love it up there...
15.  I love spending time with Christian.  He is an interesting child, so creative, and I love that!
16.  Lily delights me.
17.  Kenzie makes me laugh!
18.  Noone knows when the Lord will return, but I feel that it will be soon, and I'm afraid for those who don't know Him. 
19.  Someday my kitchen / dining room / living room will be renovated.  ::deep sigh::
20.  Heard a song on the radio yesterday, K-Love, and it literally had me sobbing in the car.  Part of the lyrics were, "Maybe the trials of this life are simply mercies from above."  What a great way to think about these last 10 years.  Thank you, God.
21.  I have dirt under my fingernails, permanently, I'm afraid.

Break Time...

I wish that blogspot would allow us to have different fonts to use...  oh well.  ::sigh::

So, "The Net" went well.  Actually, it was really, really good!  It all came together well.  Meg was fantastic with the choreography.  Dyan was awesome as the Choir 1 teacher and my calmer-downer.  Shel & Christy were wonderful backstage managing the costume & mic changes as well as operating "The Net."  The band was great, as usual.  The kids sang well, and performed well.  I love my choir.  But...... it's break time.  Yay for that!


Last night was our KCC Awards Ceremony.  The kids were given their participation certificates, perfect attendance certificates, honor beads, and 3 kids were chosen as the Choir Person of the Year in their respective choir levels.  Afterwards, we had our reception & lots of pictures & fun times. 


This weekend is our Choir 3 BBQ at my house.  Yup.  Saturday from 4 - 7 - me and a buncha kids, hot dogs, chips, veggies, hot tub time, watching the video of "The Net," and topping the evening with ice cream sundaes.  It's tradition.  I guess after that, it's officially "break time."


***
Why is it that so many teens have a entitlement mentallity?  Why do they think that they must get everything in life without sacrificing?  Case in point.  Nevermind.  Anyway, miscommunication on my part happened, and as a result, a kid wanted to be paid for something that should have been given as a part of ministry.  I mean, after all, I don't even get paid for this!!!  Why can't parents teach their kids about the value of giving of their time for ministry???  Why must they always expect to be paid????  If either one of my kids would have acted that way, their butt would have been kicked into next week!  Just sayin'.  I'm VERY disappointed in the parenting skills of some people.  Very disappointed.  Lesson learned on my part.  Now I just gotta let it go.  Blogspot, thank you for the therapy session.

***

Mackenzie was so cute last night, at the KCC reception.  I let her down off of my lap, and she made a B-line to the cookie table and swift as ever, reached up to grab a handful of cookies, all before her mommy could get to her.  Precious.  Priceless.  Wish I'd gotten a picture of it.  :)

***

I need to get serious about losing this weight.  No more excuses.  I'm off all medications.  I just need to get a movin', movin', movin'....  Gotta get my bike out of the basement.  Note to self:  get bike out of basement. 

***
And that's my life so far.

Really??? Bring it!!!

Okay...  So, it's "musical" time.  As if you didn't already know.  This is "the" week.  Tonight, rehearsal from 5:15 - 7:30.  Tomorrow, tech rehearsal from 7 - 9, Friday, dress rehearsal from 6 - 8:30, Saturday matinee performance at 3, Sunday evening performance at 6.  Okay.  Yes, it's busy.  But this extreme busy-ness is just for this one week.  The rest of the production times have only involved 1-a-week rehearsals, except if you're in the cast as an actor, or in the band, and then it's 2-a-weeks or an extra rehearsal every 3 weeks or so.  The theme of this year's musical is all about evangelism.  It's teaching the children that THEY can be people who are important to God, who can evangelize.  In fact, the lyrics of one of the songs says, "It was kids, who showed the way.  It was kids, who always did obey, it was kids, who showed an awesome faith, it was kids, who lead the world that day."  It speaks of how powerful some of the kids in the Old Testament were in their day.  Such as Miriam, David, Joseph. 

The problem seems to be, that this year, the production keeps having "stuff" happen.  Stuff which I believe is the work of the devil, wanting to throw me, the producer/director off base.  OR, in thinking about it, perhaps it's just that the Lord is putting these obstacles in here to test the strength of mind that I / we, as KCC staffers have.  Let me just list a few of the things I've faced recently in trying to produce this play....
1)  a child dropped out on THE DAY that she was supposed to rehearse her blocking for the scene she was supposed to be in.  Not good.  Her mom didn't think it was important to teach her child the importance of following through on your commitments, and then reevaluating for the next year. 
2)  another child had dropped out, who had the same part as the child listed above, due to soccer.  Then why did her mother allow her to audition???
3)  I can't find anyone to call the cues.  I've gone thru the list. 
4)  One of my kids was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, for who knows how long.  My heart aches for this child and his parents.

5)  The sound system we're working with is not great.  Having a hard time picking up the voices over the band.

6)  One of my lead actors decided to go to California on a college visit the day before dress rehearsal.  He might not make it back for dress rehearsal.  What????  He's a junior in high school.  Just sayin'...  And I'm paying him. 
7)  During our blocking rehearsal for curtain calls, 3 of my main actors couldn't bother to stick around to run this.  What???

8)  Just found out that my bass player can't make it to Thur, Friday or Saturday.  AND, I'm paying him.  Big.  What???

Above all else, these kids DO MATTER.  Their hard work & dedication to this ministry MATTERS.  They deserve the best from us, the adults in their lives.  They deserve every bit as much effort in their play as is put forth by the people who put on the dinner drama productions, or the adult choir productions.  Why does this always feel like such a struggle?

Perhaps I care too much. 

HHHmmmm, What to Plant??

Okay, so the garden is getting a major re-do.  I'm sick & tired of fighting with the clay soil, and it's just too difficult to get a tiller in there, since I have it darlingly picket fenced in.  So...  I drafted The Hubby into making me some raised beds.  Yup.  We are making 4 raised beds that are 18 inches tall, 10 feet long and 2 feet wide.  Then we're gonna make 3 beds that are 18 inches tall, 8 feet long and 3 feet wide.  Those will be my herb beds.  But, what should I plant in the other beds?  Tomatoes for sure.  Heirloom tomatoes.  I'd like to plant a box full of okra.  I LOVE okra.  I'd also love to plant some cucumbers, a watermelon, and some pie pumpkins.  Think they'll take up alot of room?  Julie, if you're reading this, do you think I can train cucs, watermelon & pumpkins to grow up a trellis?  Perhaps I should grow beans?  They grow great on a trellis...  Great idea!  I'll get right on this. 

pics to come soon.

***
and that's my life so far...

Random Happy Thoughts

I suppose after last Monday's "venting" post, I ought to post some happy thoughts. So here goes:


1. Spring is finally here!


2. I need to plant some heirloom tomatoes. FAST.

3. Last night's rehearsal was very encouraging, in that the kids really do know the lyrics.


4. I'm so proud of Meg, for putting together the choreography, and daring to put props in their hands for each song, to use with the choreography. She's handling this very well, and very professionally. Attagirl!

5. Don started constructing "The Net" last evening. It's so cool to see him getting exciting about designing and constructing this video arcade game for the musical.


6. Kenzie spoke in 2 word sentences today. "Bye Bye Elmo." "Hewwo birdie."

7. Lily was all sorts of cute yesterday, in her springtime skirt and shoes.... and she followed me all around church yesterday. Complete cuteness.


8. Christian is in the choir now. And he's freakin' awesome! He's being so grown up!!! And he's actually singing and doing the choreography. Fun times for this Grandma.

***

And that's my life so far...

Venting...

It's "musical" time... and as usual, I'm gettin' a bit stressed. Doesn't help that I weaned myself off of my psych drugs, therefore goin' it on my own. I just wanna cry at about everything. I cry in commercials now. I cry reading cards. I cry when I tell my husband thank you for helping me redesign my garden. I cry watching eaglets hatch on that website I'm mesmerized with... I'm a mess. ***

I hate feeling like I'm stupid. When I have a plan to redo my garden, I don't need to feel like I'm putting anyone out by not being able to do things myself. However, I'm old, or at least, I feel old, and I'm overweight, and I'm not as able to work hard as I used to do. We need to redo the garden, and I need help to do it. I need my herbs and fresh veggies. But our ground is all clay. Not good for growing things. I'm tired of the battle, and of the weeds. So, Don said he'd build me some raised beds. Fine. I just want my perennial / bulb bed to stay the same. Fine. So, we decided to use some of the flagstone to build a mini wall, to make it look like this space is cordoned (sp?) off. To me, it sorta looks like a secret garden. I built the wall yesterday, after arguing with Don about the fact that he didn't think I could get it done in one day. I stayed home from church to dedicate the day to working in my garden, and yes, I was determined to get it finished. And I did. But at the cost of being made to feel worthless. I hate that.

Case in point... I wanted a patio area to be able to put a little bistro table on with 2 chairs, so I could share a good snack or reading time out there with any of my grandchildren. But the problem was that it was in a corner of the garden with a slope. Don had one idea of how to get the patio put in, and I had another. I kept feeling like I was really putting him out, and I didn't like that. I'm sure it was just my non-cymbalta feelings coming into play. At any rate, I ended up scrapping the idea of the patio, instead opting to put the table and chairs anywhere where there was just mulch on the ground and no raised beds. Don did say he'd put in some concrete to anchor a good, level spot for my butterfly garden bench. Give and take. I guess that's what it's about.

Anyway, after the wall building, I ended up taking my shower, and the more the evening wore on, the more my arthritic joints flared up. By the time it was evening, we sat in the hot tub, trying to ease my pain. And yes, lightning was everywhere, and it was pretty scary / awesome sitting out there with the weather happening all around. We did hightail it out of there once the rain started. Which was a good thing, since the hail storm came just a few minutes later. Haven't seen hail like that in years. Very scary... By the time I went to bed, I literally was crying from the pain in my joints. Took 2 aleve and finally slept.

***

Fast forward to this evening. It was time to meet some choir parents at the church to build the stage for our musical. We needed 10 platforms screwed together, among many other things. I have a vision for what I want, and when people argue with me about it, it really frustrates me. I can see that something CAN work, but they say it can't. I'm made to feel like it's just too much trouble. I hate that. I wish everyone could see the vision I see, but that's not possible, nor should it be. We're all individuals, after all. And I'm coping post-cymbalta. My nerves are on edge, and I'm pretty cymbalta-less sensitive. Don't tell me something can't be done! I can see that it can, and I was frustrated. All it took was moving something 1 or 2 inches one way or the other, and it all would have been perfect. Instead, there's a big gap in the flooring. But, duct tape will fix it, and noone will see it. I just know it could have been done right the first time, and noone wanted to be bothered, so it seemed. I don't like to be made to feel like I don't know what I'm talking about. Frustrating, so venting.

But, the stage is put together, complete with the black curtains, children's risers, floor covering, and skirting, and I must say, it looks GOOD. Very professional looking, which is what our kids deserve. And I had several choir dads come to help, which was a huge blessing.

Venting: sometimes when I ask for help from whoever, I feel like I'm putting them out, or causing an inconvenience. I wish I didn't feel that way. I'm not doing this for ME, for crying out loud! I'm in charge of a ministry that enables children to serve the Lord, have fun while doing it, making them feel empowered in their lives, and to me, there's nothing more important. I just wish everyone else felt that way. Non-cymbalta talking. Oy... but, I will NOT go back on it.

***

So, I gained back 5 of the 8 lbs I lost. The last 2 weeks have been hard on my diet, post-gallbladder surgery. And I'm a stress eater. I had potato chips yesterday. Boy,did they taste good! I threw the rest of the bag away today. Yay for me! I'm back on ww again... trying.

***

We've been bearing alot of stress from work lately. Don hasn't taken a paycheck in a month, and I'm a week behind. We can't get customers to pay, and that puts alot of strain on the company. I'm worried about Don. Everyone else seems to be able to get away from the worry & stress, but not Don. He bears the company on his shoulders. He can't escape it. He keeps working through it, and is determined to see this through. I pray alot, as does Don. God will bring us through this time, and He will receive the glory for it.

***

Not the "happy" blog this time, but it is my life so far...

Post Gallbladder

Post Gallbladder, Day 1. (I think) Okay, so it's Friday at 10:15 PM and I had the little bugger out yesterday morning. So, been over 24 hours. Oy, what an ordeal! If you wanna see something funny, just look at the pictures on Don's facebook site. I pulled it up yesterday and looked at the picture he posted of my gallstone next to my dead gallbladder, and it like FILLED up my computer screen and I'm like "Whoa!" and I burst out laughing, which I paid for in pain! And then I saw Jory's comment, which went something like "Ew, Gross!" and laughed all over again! But ya know what? It IS gross!!! I have 4 pictures of the procedure... and they're all gross. But my liver is mighty pretty! I should figure out how to scan them and post them here... (note to self: learn to scan)

Okay, so got to the hospital before the sun came up. Had to wait for pre-registration to open up. Got all registered, slapped down some moolah, and off we went. Then the fun began. The nurse took me back to my "prep" room, and I had to get in a paper gown, of all things, well, they said that these gowns are especially designed for gallbladder surgeries. Whatev. It was paper. Not happy about that. I like fabric. Soft fabric. Anyway, the nurse went to try and put my IV in, and she kept blowing veins! I"m like, STOP THAT!!! It's ridiculous that they want me to stop drinking fluids the night before, and then come in for surgery and expect your body to be hydrated enough to put in IVs! Are they nuts??? So, this chick was trying so hard, moving the little needle all around, no blood, and then she was like SLAPPING my hand! I'm like STOP THAT!!! LOL I did have my big girl panties on, (only a figure of speech) and I bucked up. They finally decided to put the IV in on the underside of my wrist. Have you ever had that before? OMGosh, talk about PAINFUL! And then to boot, my hand got all swollen from the beating I took!

Finally, they allowed Don to come into the room, only in time to kiss me goodbye, and after I told him that it's been a fun ride, and I love him, off I went. I'm one of those patients who is always so full of questions. "What's that?" "Why are you doing that?" "Can I watch?" "What is that for?" yup, until he slapped the sleeping gas mask on my face, and I was out like a light. To their relief, I'm quite sure. Oh, and I was apologizing for weighing too much. They had to move me from the table back to the bed, andI'm like all over it with the "I'm so sorrys" and they were laughing and saying, "Honey, you don't KNOW what's big!!" LOL Made me feel a tad bit better, right before being gassed out.

Okay, recovery. Don't remember much. Except that I hurt. They took off my paper gown and put on a real, live, soft fabric gown. And I hurt. They gave me morphine. Oy... It hurt. I really don't remember much else until they took me to my first hospital room. And once I was there, it didn't take me long to realize that I couldn't tolerate my roommate. She was groaning, coughing, hacking, and I kept hearing "fever of 102..." and lots of laughing and talking... and "fever of 101.8". I"m like, "Get me outta here!" I asked my nurse who thought it was a good idea to put me, a healthy, non-sick person in the room with a sick person??? And because of the racket, which my nurse conceded was excessive, I got moved out. Pronto. Got put in my own room, and ahhhh it was so much nicer! Right next door, too! Wonder why they didn't do that in the FIRST place???

Slept alot, got nauseas (sp?), slept, no food, only ice chips, all because I didn't have any tummy rumblings. Finally, in the evening, I was able to have clear liquids, and a couple of pain pills, (vicoden, I think) and proceeded to vomit the entire stomach full of liquid right back up, along with the entire IV fluids. It just kept coming and coming. You know your husband loves ya when he holds the "throw up pan" for you, and then wipes your face off. Awww.... Got more morphine. Sent Don home after that.

I did NOT want to spend the night in the hospital, but because of my nausea and vomiting episodes, well, they kept me. And they woke me up every 2 hours or so. How can anyone be expected to get well with that???

Friday morning - felt much better. Dozed thru the morning until they finally released me. And I got to eat! Pancakes. MMMmmm. Came home, ate lunch, and slept alot of the afternoon away.

This weekend is a huge one for the life of my church. I have to be at the church tomorrow ready to ring my handbells by 2:30, for a practice, then sound check with the mics, and then we are in a concert at 5. I hope I do alright. I'm having problems getting to a standing position, but once I do, I'm okay.

Sunday morning, my choir sings. Gotta be there by 8:45. Hope I make it thru all of this. It's our churches Centennial Celebration! One hundred years, KC 1st Church has been around. Quite a big deal.

Tired.

And that's my life so far...

So happy to be back!!!

Life. I love it. I'm so happy to have mine back! I feel like I've come out from the dark abyss. I've been stuck there for several years now. Feels so FREEING to be out! Thank you, Jesus!

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I love reading my cyber-daughter's blog. How I've missed it. The way she writes, the creativity she has in her is so incredibly interesting to me, and it fills my heart with love. I love her. I love her sweet baby girls. Just sayin'...

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I love my Meghan. I love seeing her change from an unsure mommy to a confident mother. I love watching her as she deals with the ups and downs of nurturing a premie, and watching that sweet baby girl change daily! She's now starting to get on her feet and GO!!! There'll be no stopping that kid now! What a delight she is, and such a blessing to me. "Thank You, Jesus, for Mackenzie."

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Dyan - one of the other lights of my life. Spent the day with her yesterday, and her sweet children. I love watching Dyan grow in her relationship with the Lord. I love watching her dealing with her kids. It's so gratifying to see that what I've given to my kids by being a SAHM is being passed down to her kids. I love that. Christian is my little man. He fills my heart with love. He lights up any place that he inhabits. He's so smart too! I taught him to read 4 words the other day, by recognizing and naming the letters, sounding them out, and putting them all together. His new reading words are: dog, cat, Christian, Grandma. He's ripe for the learning right now, trying to read everything in sight. And he's only 4. Woo hoo!

Lily ~ little dollbaby. She's the apple of my eye. I am amazed at just watching her play. I see her daddy's expressions on her face. I love that. And I see Dyan all over as a toddler. Lily has spunk. She takes nothing lying down. If she doesn't like something Christian does, she bopps him, or stamps on his foot. LOLOL Had to laugh at those things. And she's teaching Kenzie how to walk. While up in my bedroom yesterday, Lily got up on her feet and walked, and Kenzie watched her, and then got up on her feet and walked out the bedroom, down the hallway, to the stairs. And this was all on wooden floors, in stocking feet, which are very slick. Good girl!

Kenzie's words: "Good girl." "Cookie." "Uh oh." "Grandma." "Mama." "Bye bye?" "All gone." "No!" "More." And many more, which I just can't remember right now.... oh,"Bubba!"

Lily's words: in addition to the above, "Thank you." "Please." and lots of others, all spoken with her mouth closed, and the words coming from the back of her throat. Silly Lily.

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Having my gallbladder removed tomorrow. Oy. Hope I feel better after all of this! I just don't have time to deal with it. :-/

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Musical time: Lots and lots to do. Meg is taking over the responsibility for the choreography. She's learning it, developing it, and teaching it. And she's good at it! Dyan is teaching the music to Choir 1, and working on the props & going to help me build the stage. Shelly is responsible for Choir 2 and is in charge of the reception after the Sunday night performance. I have such a great, loving and caring staff. I'm very lucky...

At this point, I'm getting very concerned about the lack of rehearsal time left. I always feel so rushed. Lots to do.
*type lyrics for powerpoint
*type script for powerpoint
*finish blocking the scenes
*type the program
*write the introduction
*build "The Net" - which btw, keeps me awake at night.
*build the set
*make sure kids know all of the choreography
*buy program paper - 11 x 14 size
*design t-shirts
*order t-shirts
(panicking at that thought)
*rehearse the kcc dream team band
*help Meg make choreography props for the kids
*shop for props
Oy.... I must stop. Getting panicky and thinking that right about NOW, I need to get my shower and get BUSY. After all, it IS Choir Day! :)

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It's so good to be back!

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And that's my life so far...

yeah, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.... so it's been a while. A long while....

Life. Lots of ups and downs both physically & emotionally... BUT... my God is so great, He's helping me through. I've been cured of my depression. That's the biggest thing. At least I think I have. It has been lifted, and I'm weaning off of my anti-anxiety meds. It's taking a while, but I'm getting there. In fact, last week, my oldest daughter called, and was crying, telling me that she has been praying for me the past 6 months, dealing with my depression, and that she is so glad to have her mom back! Woo hoo! I AM BACK! I'm happy! I'm loved. I have a future, and I know WHO holds my future. I have a life partner, a husband, whom I adore! And ya know what??? We're gonna be together for E T E R N I T Y !!! I cannot wait to see what God has been preparing for ME, little ole me! And for my family! I am truly blessed that my family are all believers! We believe in Jesus Christ. We believe that He is alive and well, and is preparing a place for us F O R E V E R. Life on this earth is miniscule (sp?)compared to what eternity holds. Life forever without sickness! No illness whatsoever. No evil. Life just lived the way that it was meant to be lived, on an earth created the way it was supposed to be created. The new earth, which is heaven! Forever. I can't wait!!! Not that I"m gonna rush it, just sayin'...

So, what to do. Today. Pray for the unbelievers. I don't want ANYONE I know to not be there with those I love. If you are reading this and have not asked Jesus to be your personal Lord and Savior, I'd ask you, "Why not?" What are you waiting for? It's so easy, and it's life-changing! Is He your friend? Is He your guide? Do you have a personal relationship with Him? Alot of people "know" Jesus, but is it simply knowing His name? Do you talk to Him daily? Do you live your life with the filter on your eyes, the filter that says, "What would Jesus think about this?" Do you get in the Word daily? Why not??? Hey, I"m asking myself these things, too...

Anywho.... I"m jazzed with life these days. I'm happy. I'm enthused about what the Lord wants me, little ole me to do for Him.

AND... I'm redoing my garden! Woo hoo to that!!! Don's actually helping me with it, since it involves making lots of raised beds. My arthritis is making it difficult to get down on the ground, AND, with this good old Missouri clay soil, it makes it difficult for my vegetables to take root and really thrive. This year, I"m determined to have some really good tomatoes way before September! Oh yeah..... definitely.

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It's "musical" season... This year, my choir is performing "The Net." It's a musical about teaching kids about evangelism. Right up my alley... It's full of great songs and wonderful lessons for the kids, lessons that I hope that they hold in their hearts. Kids can evangelize! Who knew??? So, right now, my life is full of rehearsals, 2 a week right now, and the in between times are filled with working on the production details. I need someone to run sound for me.... Anyone???

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Kenzie is walking. Sort-of... She amuses herself by walking a circuit around my living room, then crashing to her knees and laughing and clapping wildly, then signing "more" and doing it all over again. She entertains me endlessly.

Christian is in choir for the musical! What a thrill it is for me to see my grandson singing and dancing for the Lord! I am blessed.

Lily is a little spunky dollbaby. I loves her to bits and pieces and she is developing quite a little character about her, molded by the fact that she has an older brother to knock around and keep up with... She's gonna be a tall one.... like her daddy. And she loves her cousin, Kenzie. They hug and kiss all the time.... adorable. One of my happiest moments recently was when they were both at my house while Dyan & Christian were at the dentist and Meg was working, and they were having cookies, and when one was on my lap, the other had to be there too. So, there we 3 sat, in my big leather chair, all 3 together, eating vanilla wafers, and feeding them to each other. Pure preciousness....

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And that's my life so far...